FAITH OVER FEAR

I haven’t been blogging lately as I’ve stepped back to see how this whole virus thing unfolded. In a time of international pandemic, sharing with you my journey to get a book published seems so frivolous and non-important, and it’s the last thing I want to fill up your inbox.

Yesterday, while on a walk with my kiddos to get some fresh air, I asked God “What in the world is going on in the world right now?” I’ve seen all kinds of responses in my newsfeed to this virus from this being the end times to this just being nothing more than an over-exaggerated bad cold. I know all of us have so many questions we need answers to about the bigger picture of this pandemic. And while God was silent with me when I asked my question, what He was not silent about was that I must keep choosing faith over fear. That our family must keep walking by faith not by sight. And if there’s anything any of the valleys we’ve already been through have taught me, it’s that even in the lowest points of life, He is still there, and He is STILL GOOD.

A song from my childhood keeps replaying in my head as I read each new daily headline: “He’s got the whole world, in His hands, He’s got the whole wide world, in His hands, He’s got the whole world, in His hands, He’s got the whole world in His hands.”

So when my anxiety wants to flare up with so much uncertainty of what’s ahead for all of us, I revert back to that childhood song. As my restlessness stirs with all this social distancing and not even being allowed to take my kids to the playground a block away from us, I revert back to my childhood and spread out an old school slip-n-slide slathered in dish soap in the backyard for them, and give them my gardening tools to play in the dirt sandbox style. And when my worries want to take over my brain, I think back to when I was a kid, and it wasn’t my job to worry, but my parent’s job on how to provide for our family in the toughest of times. And I know I can lean on that same certainty with my Heavenly Father.

The beautiful thing I have seen come out of this social distancing change in our daily lives is this… Jesus is bringing families back together. In an over-distracted busy world where everything pulls at our attention and distances us from those we love most, I see families outside taking walks. I see families outside gardening together. I see families in my feed homeschooling. I see families in my neighborhood loving thy neighbor and helping to provide things that are gone off the store shelves. I see families in my feed cooking together and eating around the dinner table again. Even my own family… because we are far too guilty of not eating together as often as we should. Just the other morning, after making homemade waffles, Bara Faith asked to be the one to pray over our breakfast we were sitting down to eat together. And her prayer was sweet and simple and pierced my heart: “Dear Jesus, thank you for my family. Amen.”

So my faith chooses to dwell on the good that has come out of all of this. My faith chooses to trump the fears and pray for all those I love.

And because of everything swirling around in the world, I’ve decided to put my book adventures on hold indefinitely. Maybe when all of this is over, I might be inspired to write again, but right now, there are more important things on the forefront of my mind that need my attention, like spending time with my family.

May you and your own family stay safe.

February 13, 2020March 22, 2021

THE THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D DO.

When you think back over your life, have you chosen comfort? Or have you chosen risk?

It’s taken me almost 40 years, but I’m starting to realize a recurring theme in my life.

God likes to make me face the things I thought I’d never do, and bravely do them anyway.

Growing up, I thought I had everything planned out. I was going to be an architect. It’s all I ever wanted. I would spend hours combing through floorplan books studying the way homes were designed, dreaming about my years to come studying architecture at the University of Florida, then growing a thriving career as a top female architect designing luxury homes.

Until I hit Freshman year. And in the midst of all my late nights in the studio working on design projects, in the middle of that year, I recommitted my life to Christ. And God said, “Ok, now let’s go this way.”

That way lead me to switch my major to Magazine Journalism, which confused the heck out of me, because I was NOT a journalist. My mom was the gifted writer in the family. My high school best friend was the one who dreamt of being a journalist. Yet, here before I could say no, I said yes, and switched my life long dream to something I had never dreamed about.

Then instead of pursuing a normal job out of college, God spoke again. “Start your own magazine.” Um, excuse me, say what? But I did faithfully. It went on to win awards and one heartfelt letter after another from readers showed me the purpose in it all, but it only lasted a season.

Years later, God spoke again. “Start a wedding photography business.” Um, excuse me, say what? I didn’t even know how to use a camera in manual off auto. But when I opened the box for the camera I bought in faith, I switched it to manual from the first moment of turning it on, and went on to build a decade long career as a wedding photographer.

Fast forward to meeting the man of my dreams, getting married, and being hit with 5 years of infertility struggles. God spoke again. “Adopt.” And I quickly told him NO. I drew the line there, because that was not a thing I wanted to do. That was for other people, not me. As an only child, I wanted my own biological children, and I was willing to wait for a miracle. But then the miracle never came. And I cried more ugly tears than I ever imagined.

Though I’ve always considered myself to be a risk taker, it was a season where all I wanted was the comfort of an answered prayer, but I was forced to get uncomfortable as I learned to navigate life, and my faith, when prayers don’t get answered.

From it, this was the season I began writing my book, The Ugly Cry: Hope For When Your Faith is Barren. “But I don’t want to be the poster child for infertility,” I begged the Lord. “If I was ever going to write a book, this is NOT the topic I would have chosen.”

“Just draw close to me… and write about this season of your waiting,” He begged me in return. So, uncomfortably, I took the risk to be vulnerable. To pour my heart out. To say, my faith is shaken in this circumstance I don’t like, but here’s what I’m doing to keep my hope alive in the goodness of the Lord.

Then, years later, He spoke again. “I am waiting to bless you with the desires of your heart, but you are standing in the way of your own joy waiting on the other side. Will you finally adopt?” And like Mary, I finally said “Yes, I am a servant of the Lord.” And in the months that followed, the whirlwind began. Within 2 years, He created two precious lives who now call me Momma through the miracle of adoption. And they are my two greatest gifts.

But when God calls you to do something outside your comfort zone, it’s not an easy switch on of bravery. Like writing this book, it’s requiring a lot of deep breaths, a lot of muttering under my breath “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Because while I like to consider myself a risk taker, trying to get this book published takes all the depths of courage that I feel like I’ve lost along the way in the exhaustion of sleep-deprived motherhood.

Courage to share our story in hopes that it can help at least one person.

Courage to be vulnerable in hopes that it can show that one person, you aren’t alone in your waiting.

Courage to take the mask off and show the world my ugly cries I kept hidden, when normally my husband or my momma are the only ones who see that side of me.

Courage to put my faith journey out there for the world to judge (news flash, I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m NOT a perfect Christian).

Courage to risk rejection if I try to find a literary agent or publishing house and all the no’s I’ll get that may never lead to a YES! Or perhaps go the self-publishing route not knowing exactly what I’m doing.

Courage to possibly fail, again, at another thing, in front of everyone, like I feel like has become a broken record in my life in my journey to navigate what’s next for me career wise after photography.

Courage to fulfill this thing in my life that God has been calling me to do that I keep running away from. When it’s simply time to stop running.

But as I fasted and prayed in the months prior, I heard Him ask me simply: “Will you JUST finish your book? Then let me take care of the rest of the details of where this is going. And just focus on the next step in front of you.”

Ok, Lord, Ok… I continue to trust You and that You alone will continue to make me brave with each step along the way.

April 6, 2018

GIVING UP ON GOD.

I received a message from someone yesterday in response to my last post, sharing their heart about how they have given up on God, and feel overlooked and forgotten about by Him as their family struggled, and were disappointed in the church as a whole for not helping them in their time of need.

And boy, this stopped me in my tracks as my heart ached for them remembering a time I too gave up on God, and church, as well. I don’t think there’s anything more painful than walking through those seasons (and often can be years and years) praying, praying, praying, seeing God bless others with the answer to your prayer, and feeling completely overlooked and forgotten about. For 5 years, I walked around in this similar season struggling with everything inside of me to keep having hope and faith that God would pull me from the heartache that consumed my every thought. I was good at hiding it, I was good at putting a mask on around others, but deep down, I struggled and questioned everything I believed in… including if God was truly good, why was I feeling so let down by Him? Where was He in the midst of my tears? How could a good Heavenly Father first take my earthly father, then take my ability to carry on my bloodline? I struggled monthly wavering from “I believe I believe I believe” to yet, another let down of dreams unfulfilled in my journey to become a mother. While we each have different struggles that break our heart, those 5 years were my most gut-wrenching season that challenged, and ultimately deepened, my walk of faith.

And more days than not, it wasn’t pretty. Behind the scenes, I had so many mad at God moments pulling away from Him. I went through seasons of just being so furious. I’ll never forget the day after a very expensive fertility treatment, I got the call from the doctor that my blood work came back and I was… still… not… pregnant. Feeling completely numb, I marched upstairs, grabbed the box of baby items I had been buying in faith over the years, and threw the box down the stairs screaming at God that I gave up on Him. For the 11 weeks that followed, I didn’t want to talk to Him, I didn’t want to go to church and fake smile to others like “God is so good” when I was crumbling inside questioning if He even really was. I was absolutely numb, feeling so overlooked and forgotten about.

But now on the other side, I look back and am grateful for those broken seasons because those are where I learned the truest lessons of what faith truly is. I learned a few things about Jesus during that wilderness season that I want to now share with you. Friend, I see the brokeness inside of you, for I once too felt it, and I pray the below can give you hope as you walk in your own wilderness season before reaching your promised land (and how beautiful it truly is once we finally finally reach it!). I am no where close to being a theologian, but as someone who has experienced immense heartbreak desperately trying to cling to His word during the hardest seasons of disappointment, and made it through to the other side, these are truths I have learned from ultimately not giving up on God.

Giving up can be the best place for you to be. Most of my greatest breakthroughs came first in those tear-filled on my knees moments of surrender (and there was more than one moment). Screaming through tears that I couldn’t do life on my own anymore, that I needed Him more than ever, that I didn’t understand the fog in front of my eyes, but that He saw the bigger picture and I wanted to see it too (Mark 8:35).
He doesn’t speak through fireworks or big grand gestures. He speaks through His word, through fasting, when we draw close, not when we’ve pushed Him away (2 Samuel 7:28). Though we want Him to be shouting at us through a microphone in the moments where we are most disappointed in His silence, I have found it was always when I took a step, then another step, toward Him that He spoke to my heart the loudest.
He always takes us back. No matter how mad we’ve been at Him, no matter how much we’ve fought our belief in Him, no matter how many Sundays we didn’t spend in church. He is always waiting to embrace us, forgive us, and comfort us in our greatest times of heartbreak (Psalm 34:18).
He can be trusted. This one can be super hard to believe when in the mist of the heartbreak, but I have learned, sometimes God’s “no” is simply “not yet” or “I’ve got something better.” But first, we must keep trusting, even if everything inside of us is fighting to do so. (Proverbs 3:5)
The church is not perfect, because the church is not Jesus Himself. Yes, I believe it’s important to be plugged into a community of believers to do life with, and different churches have beautifully poured into my heart in different seasons, but because the church is made up of humans who mess up daily, the church will never be perfect. Jesus is the only perfect one. While going to church is so important to continue learning and growing in our faith, we must not put our hope in the church or members of the church to save us, but only in Jesus Himself who is our true Savior (Acts 4:12).
Jesus keeps His promises. Maybe you haven’t been given a specific promise from the Lord, but His word is full of so many more other promises. His word is full of so many truths about yourself that are being clouded by big lies the enemy is filling your head with at this moment (keyword: at this moment). Confusion and doubt and worry and… disbelief… are the enemy’s greatest weapons to winning. But the good news is, inside each of us, through His Holy Spirit, we have the power to tell the enemy to FLEE in the name of Jesus (my momma reminds me of this one almost daily!). Because Jesus gave His life so that you may know true life and has promised you that He would be your savior. Jesus has promised you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Jesus has promised you that He will always be your comforter as He counts your tears. Jesus has not promised that this life would be easy or that disappointment would not exist. But He has promised that His plans for you are good, that ALL things work for the good of those who love Him, AND, that He keeps His promises. (2 Peter 3:9)
Seasons change. Just as summer turns to fall, and fall turns to winter, new life is brought forth in the spring (and thank goodness because I can’t seem to keep any flowers alive in my yard!). And new hope will be brought forth in a new season, if you keep seeking His heart. Keep taking steps of faith, keep believing even when everything inside of you is telling you to stop. God might feel silent in this season, but He has not given up on you. One day, and I pray it’s this side of Heaven, you will be able to look back and see His purpose in the silent waiting. For He always has a purpose beyond what we can ever comprehend or understand in the midst of the trial. And thankfully, His love is steadfast and His mercies are new every morning (Lamenttions 3:22-23):

A few resources I recommend below. I remember in that waiting season, the last thing I wanted to turn to was the Bible, so if you are feeling that way right now, I recommend watching these two movies about questioning where God is in the midst of heartbreak.

The Shack (also a book if you prefer to read)

I Can Only Imagine

Both of these two movies shook me to the core and helped me gain some good perspective on what can feel like such heavy topics of faith, especially if you are questioning your faith in the first place. I hope they can bring you encouragement too and answers those lingering questions in your heart better than I could squeeze into a blog entry.

August 18, 2016

WHAT FAITH IS.

Bible

Faith, like true faith, not just get up and go to church on Sunday, is one of the hardest things to do. I have learned, faith is not frilly and fluffy raise your hands and sing “Hallelujah!” Faith is not “God is so good,” which, yes He IS good, but faith at the very core is believing He still is good even when nothing else makes sense around us. Faith, at the very foundation of what faith is… is… well… hard.

Faith is… still believing through tears of prayers unfulfilled.

Faith is… dropping to your knees when you barely know how to stand with all of life’s weight on your shoulders.

Faith is… believing in a God, Savior, King that you can’t see, but knowing with all your heart He exists.

Faith is… trying with everything not to doubt, yet trembling in fear, and needing just a little reassurance sometimes that God hasn’t forgotten us.

This morning, I read the story of Gideon, and was so relieved to see, here he was, this normal average guy God used in a big way, who went on to become a hero of the bible, and even he still had doubts in his faith. Here he was, a weak man, the least important member of his family, and God still called him a “mighty warrior.” He doubted he had what it took to conquer a calling God was asking of him. He doubted so much that he even tested God. This weak man tested our strong God. Whew, the courage… But sometimes (cough cough, all the time for me) we need that reassurance that, yes, indeed, God IS with us. God is WITH us. God is with US.

What is God calling you to that you know deep down He is stirring in your heart, yet you don’t know if your faith is strong enough to conquer? Are you moving forward in faith like a super Christian, or are you shaking in your boots like Gideon was? I know for me, it has always been the latter when I have felt God ask me to accomplish something for His kingdom, as strong as I try to be in my faith always failing miserably. But here’s what I took away from reading Gideon’s story in Judges 6-7 this morning that I want you to be encouraged with as well.

God uses the weak.

When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon with His instructions to rescue the Israelites from the Midianites, Gideon was quick to remind the Lord of His incapabilities in Judges 6:11-16. “Lord, how can I save Israel? My family group is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least important member of my family,” Gideon said questioning this whole mission. What was God’s response? Simple and sweet. “I will be with you.” The Lord doesn’t take excuses. He even calls Gideon a “mighty warrior.” Because the Lord knows that while we are weak, He is strong. And really, that’s all that matters. Not how capable we are. Not how much we have up our sleeve to help us, or the big army behind us. Not all the money in the world, or the fanciest of gadgets. Not thinking we are strong. Nope, God calls the weak, because it is in our weakness, His strength is made known.

We don’t need the answers of how.

When Gideon was being called to um, conquer the impossible, he didn’t have all the answers of “how” it would happen. He even questioned God through offering a sacrifice, just to really make sure that this was HIS calling and that he was hearing from the Lord correctly. But often when we are called to conquer the impossible, God does not reveal the game plan of how it’s going to go down. All He simply wants is for us to trust and be secure, not doubting, as He responded to Gideon with only one simple phrase, “I will be with you.” And what I love is after his sacrifice, God threw in a few exclamation points to reinforce His point that He had Gideon’s back: “Calm down! Don’t be afraid! You will not die!” (Judges 6:23) How often do we need those exclamation points to reinforce God’s seriousness when we want to overreact at the things He asks of us. We don’t need the answers of “how” it will all go down, we just need to trust the One leading us. And calm our butts down. Exclamation point.

It’s OK to test God about a calling.

Even after Gideon’s sacrifice where God confirmed his calling and spoke to him FACE TO FACE, the night before he defeated the Midianites, Gideon still questioned if the Lord was really going to be with him in his upcoming battle. So Gideon tested Him, not once, but TWICE, with a challenge. And each time, the Lord showed up and showed off (Judges 6:36-40), reminding him yet again, YES GIDEON. If the Lord’s mightiest warriors are known to question the Lord, I say that’s ok for us average warriors too.

God likes to keep it simple.

Often times I find myself thinking in order to conquer the circumstances swirling around me, that it requires a complicated prayer or a complicated action plan to gain the victory. But then I’m reminded, all God used for David to take down a giant was a stone. And for Gideon, God tore down his army from 32,000 soldiers to simply 300 soldiers to conquer the Midianites. Um, hello, I would have been shaking in my boots a little bit with such a small army behind me. But while he might have had a small army, he had a BIG God. And why would God cut his army to so small? Because God wanted the credit for the victory, not in the numbers of a large army thinking they saved themselves (Judges 7:2).

Victory is found through shouting.

One of my greatest prayer warriors taught me a valuable lesson before she passed. She said, don’t just read the word, don’t just speak the word, SHOUT the word! Because faith come from hearing as God’s word tells us in Romans 10:17. And sometimes, in order to claim our victory, we need to hear God’s promises very loudly for it to truly sink in! And Gideon instructed his army to do just that. As they approached the camp of the Midianites, it wasn’t a casual “Oh hello, nice to see you, don’t mind us while we conquer you.” No, he instructed them that they would blow their loud trumpets and SHOUT “For the Lord and for Gideon!” Because the greatest battles of our faith require giving it everything inside of us to believe our victory is waiting on the other side. And with lots of exclamation points.

ExclamationPoint

TRUTH TO TUCK IN YOUR HEART:

“For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:10

“Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth; burst into songs and make music.” -Psalm 98:4

“Don’t be afraid of anyone, because I am with you to protect you,” says the Lord.” -Jeremiah 1:8

“Do I need to give you more examples of faith? I do not have time to tell you about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, and the prophets. Through their faith they defeated kingdoms. They did what was right, received God’s promises, and shut the mouths of lions.” -Hebrews 11:32-33

PUT IT INTO ACTION:

What area of your life do you need to trust God more where He is telling you to calm down and not be afraid? Think of that, and starting by shouting the truth’s above over that thing.