WHAT DID SHE JUST CALL ME?

Totally not my desk. Because what mom has time to make these perfectly posed images?
But in my blogging dreams, my desk looks just like this stock photo.

Once upon a time I was a blogger.

Then God fulfilled the desires of my heart after a very long journey of faith and I became a mother. And any free time I once had for blogging went out the door because now any free time I actually get goes straight toward cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, growing my Young Living business, alternating two kids between two nap times, and oh yeah, showering…. which only happens on a good day. And on a really really good day, I get to “sleep when the babies sleep.” Can we all just admit that never happens when you have the aforementioned list daunting you everyday?

So blogging has taken a back seat the past year since adopting our second child in under two years (and this is the point where #momguilt sets in because I haven’t even had time to update my blog about his arrival last Fall… let alone work on a baby book for either child… thank goodness for Instagram letting me throw up quick updates and baby announcements!). I hate that when I look at my blog here, it’s been almost a year since it’s been updated. Because once upon a time, I really enjoyed blogging.

And what I miss most from those blogging days is simply connecting with YOU. That beautiful person on the other side of the screen. I remember days of logging into my stats seeing people reading my words from all around the world. How in the world they found my blog, I’m still not quite sure, but there was such a beauty in connecting heartstrings to heartstrings with you through this world wide web. To this day, I still have a folder on my email server where I have saved your emails about how something I wrote touched your heart. Those always meant the world to me, how God could use my words to speak life into your heart. These days though, the culture of online sharing has seemed to move to more what I call the “fast food” version of blogging through Instagram and Facebook (and I ain’t gonna lie, with two energetic kiddos swirling around me, it’s just easier to do a quick post from my phone than sit down at my laptop like I am doing now while they miraculously both nap at the same time). Blogging almost feels as outdated as a rotary phone, or beepers. Hahahahaha, raise your hand if you ever had a beeper! This girl did her Freshmen year of high school, because, you know, I was very important (not!).

And in the whirls of motherhood, some days I just feel like I’ve lost myself, that person who used to blog and share probably more than I should have of what was going on in my world and the life lessons God was teaching me in that season. Yet, while some people told me I should scale back on the authenticity I shared, I continued to share because you connected with it, and it helped you feel less alone in whatever you were battling too. Though our struggles might have looked different, you saw a piece of yourself in my words and we instantly felt like we had known each other for years. But as I pour into these two beautiful children each day now in this new season of my life, some days I have nothing left to pour out into creative projects, let alone updating this blog where our hearts once met. And boy, as I’ve stepped away, I’ve realized more than ever, such a huge part of my heart was not being fulfilled, because I do miss writing.

So the other day, I challenged myself to do something crazy on a whim. An opportunity presented itself for me to send in an essay to a popular mom blog I follow, and at first, I talked myself out of it. “Psssh, I don’t have time to write anymore…” For a few days I let all the reasons why I shouldn’t participate fill my head, and the enemy won as I let all the doubt creep in. “I don’t even know if I’m still any good at writing, I mean does any one care to even read my stories anymore? Do my words really matter or make a difference anymore?” You know, all the ways we humans in our frailty let fear override faith. But then I decided to take a step of faith… and test the waters God was asking me to walk on… I got both babies napping at the same time, and used that hallelujah moment to sit down and…. write. And weep as I was writing. And wrote some more. Then reread it, wept some more, asked myself if I had the courage to submit it to this blog where a bigger audience could read my vulnerable words, and before I could talk myself out of it, I nervously hit the SEND button.

“Oh my gosh, did I really just do that?” I questioned in fear. “Well… I doubt anything will even come of it, I’m a bit rusty in the writing department these days, but at least I pushed myself to do something that scared me.”

A few days went by and I didn’t hear anything from the blog… So I continued doubting… I continued to prepare myself mentally for the let down that I figured was inevitable to come… why do we always let doubt get the best of us? Why in the waiting do we first resort to questioning God’s goodness instead of choosing to believe all things are possible? But a part of me still clung to faith that maybe… just maybe… all things were indeed still possible for this exhausted momma.

Then last night as I was walking to bed… my email dinged on my phone and I got “the” email from the blog editor I had been waiting on:

“This is beautiful, we want to publish it, now send us 2-3 sentences for your Author page.”

GASPPPPPPPPPP.

Did she just call me…. an AUTHOR? The very word I had been trying to muster up the courage to fulfill as you can read about here in my mission to one day turn a manuscript I’ve written into a published book.

I froze in disbelief. Then I happy danced and squealed very quietly trying not to wake the kids up as I thought this exhausted momma’s still got it!

I think what made me most estatic was… this perfect stranger just confirmed… yes, I’m still a writer. Yes, my world has changed in the past 2 years, and most days as a mom I feel more like a maid/cook/laundress/poop cleaner/baby calmer, but deep down inside of me, I was still… a writer.

HOW I BALANCE IT ALL AS A MOTHER.

I’m completely laughing even writing that title of this blog post above because… well… I do NOT balance it all. At least gracefully… And if you were hoping to find that answer when you clicked over here, join me in giving permission to ourselves to… not need to balance it all.

This picture of motherhood below may look glamorous, and I DO love this photo of this cute moment between she and I during our Christmas card photos (by Meredith Black), but in reality, I struggle just like any mom to balance it all (in fact, as I type, I’m feeding Bara Faith applesauce as I prep this blog entry from the kitchen table!)

Back when I redesigned my blog soon after Bara Faith came into the world, I had these grand visions of sharing about my journey here on the blog now about motherhood, after I waited so long to get here with that title “Mom.” I had these grand visions of being Supermom and had my list of things I would do and not do… only to realize, to keep the balance… and peace… sometimes I need to break those rules… while giving myself permission to let go of trying to juggle so much at once. And as a result of it, this blog took a backseat. But here I am, and I have given myself permission, when I can write, I will write.

Because… whew… I juggle a lot these days… I’m a wife, mom, daughter, granddaughter, photographer, Young Living leader to a team of 13 fabulous women, and, oh yeah, a friend, when everything else allows me to be and I can take a moment away for myself to catch up with a girlfriend. And take a deep breath.

That letting go part… it’s so hard for me because I just want to hold on tight, but I have found there is so much freedom in saying, it’s ok to not do it all. And thats where the balance comes. Sometimes that means letting Stephen cook dinner so I can sit at my desk longer than 10 minutes at a time to squeeze in the work that didn’t get done earlier in the day because Bara Faith needed extra nurturing. Sometimes that means the bathroom doesn’t get scrubbed down, or the laundry done. Sometimes that means, in just keeping it real, I don’t get a shower that day because I choose extra sleep over bathing because I’m so dang exhausted trying to juggle it all. And despite the short comings, I am confident enough in my identity in the Lord to know, He has a special grace for mothers.

I am doing the best I can each day, and I want you to know this… YOU ARE TOO. So let’s all stop being so dang hard on ourselves that we aren’t all Supermom like the Pinterest world around us pressures us into thinking we should be.

But in the midst in the chaos, I do find a weird balance. These are some things that help get me through the day.

My quiet time with the Lord. While this doesn’t happen first thing in the morning like it used to pre-motherhood, I try to sneak away during nap times to sit in my War Room, open my bible and my prayer journal, and take a deep breath breathing in His truth to get me through the day.
Facetime with my Momma. She keeps me reminded that while motherhood is hard, it is the most rewarding thing I’ll ever do.
Text messages with my hubby. Sometimes the perfect emoticon or Bitmoji sent while he’s at work is the perfect laugh to brighten my day.
Morning coffee with Thieves and Peppermint oil (for immune support and mental focus). I never understood growing up why my mom drank so much coffee. Now I get it.
Worship music. Hubby just bought us the new Alexa thingy from Amazon which I didn’t see the point in getting. But I admit, Alexa has grown on me and it’s nice to just ask her to play worship music while I’m feeding baby girl in the kitchen, or “Happy” by Pharrell Williams for a dance party if I’m trying to calm a meltdown.
Stress Away oil, for obvious reasons… and Joy oil… for obvious reasons. Both keep me centered in the midst of the swirl around me throughout the day.

I wouldn’t trade any of the crazy for anything in the world, but there are a few things I’ve had to learn to say no to, or at find another way to do it. Such as:

Fresh laundry that stares at me and doesn’t get folded for… a week. It can just sit there until I’m ready to deal with it thankyouverymuch.
Outsourcing a housekeeper when we can afford to splurge on one.
Meal planning and prep for dinner goes to HelloFresh delivered at my door. (Here’s a coupon code if you want to try it out for $40 off your first box. Follow the link to have it automatically applied.)
Making my bed, or getting dressed… every single day. Some days, yes, you’ll find me working in my PJs (like now), because getting dressed with an active almost 8 month old? #aintnobodygottimeforthat
Working out… bawahahahaha… good one. I’m lucky if I get to walk an acre over to our mailbox on a normal day. But I do try to throw in a few bicep curls with my 15 pounder baby girl throughout the day.
TV…. ohhhhh I miss my days of watching hours of TV at a time… now it gets squeezed in in bed before we both fall asleep missing half the episode.
Every single photography inquiry I get, I’ve learned that’s it’s so freeing to refer some of them to someone else. I just simply will never choose to be a high volume photographer because I’m too obsessed with my family take that many hours away from them, so I’ve learned it’s ok to not say yes to every inquiry that comes my way.

So starting today, let us moms agree to be easier on ourselves. Let’s agree that while motherhood requires us to juggle a lot of plates in the air, it’s ok to take away a few plates so we aren’t so overwhelmed. Let’s agree that in the midst of what feels like crazy town some days, we can trust that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. Let’s agree that the Proverbs 31 woman WAS Supermom, but the rest of us are just human doing the best we can.

Because what it all comes down to are the smiles like below that make it all worth it. Because even what feels like the imperfect juggle is actually disguised as quite perfect moments we’ll look back on and wish we could have back again.

From our crazy town to yours, we hope you have a joyous Merry Christmas!

July 23, 2016July 26, 2016

WELCOME HOME.

So I have a confession to make.

I keep trying to quit photography.

Gulp. I have feared sharing that publicly for fear of sounding ungrateful because I know clients will read this, and I know on the other side of this computer screen is someone who would love to quit their day job to be able to have a photography business. And I’m sorry if I have made you roll your eyes, my intention is to not appear ungrateful. But my intention is to be truthful to you that being an artist who also has to wear an entrepreneur hat, it’s well, sometimes… just hard… Some days it is downright hard owning a business, and keeping up with nurturing it after you have birthed a dream.

As most photographers do, we turn our hobby into a business because it starts out as just that. A hobby. A love, a passion, that in the beginning, we have to keep pinching ourselves that people actually want to pay us to do this for them. “This is too good to be true,” we secretly think feeling as if we just hit the jackpot. “To get paid to do what I love, there’s nothing better!” we feel in the beginning.

Then tax season hits and takes all our hard end money that we confused for profit. Then that first upset client hits that forces you to evaluate if there are better ways to run your business. Then your equipment breaks and you have to use any left over profits to upgrade gear. Then photo shoot after photo shoot, editing becomes boring and monotonous, and all that newfound joy getting paid to do our passion becomes… well… a job. My fellow photographers out there, can I get an amen?

So in 2014, I quit cold turkey. I announced that my husband and I were retiring from photography for good. After 7 years of shooting, first on my own, and then with my husband, I was worn out and burned out. Stephen ventured on to find a career in sales, and I needed a break creatively. I needed a break from the pressure of photography being our only job that supported our married life bills, and how hard it can be to juggle those bills during the slower shooting seasons. To break up the creative monotony, I tried other things, like a clothing line, and virtually decorating homes. And while it was fun to try other things, I just never felt like those other things were meant to continue on in the way photography seemed to resonate so deeply in the heart of my clients. So in 2015, I decided to give photography another try, but this time, instead of taking on every kind of shoot, I tried to specialize in just one category. Senior girls. And I had a blast, a renewed sense of passion stirred inside of me creatively with how every senior session is like a mini fashion shoot in this day and age! Before I knew it, word spread throughout the local girl squads in each school, and I became booked every weekend in under a year.

But when I wrapped the end of 2015, with our baby on the way through adoption in the spring of 2016, I told myself again, ok, for real this time, I’m going to quit photography. I had waited 5 long years to become a mom, and I wanted her to be my absolute first priority once she arrived.

Then that cheesy quote kept playing out to be true… “If you love something, you must let it go, if it comes back to you, that’s how you know it was meant to be yours all along.”

After her arrival, photography kept coming back to me. More inquiries keep flooding my inbox. More texts from past clients hit my phone from those who want to hire me again. And well, I swear, I kept trying to quit photography. So during late nights rocking my sweet Bara Faith, it left me reevaluating if I should continue accepting bookings. If maybe, my time wasn’t over yet as a documenter of life.

It has all reminded me so much how this act of letting go is like our Christian walk. God asks us to surrender our ways so that He can bless us with His ways far beyond what we can ever imagine. I have found over and over again, He asks me to let go of something deep in my heart, sometimes to take it away for good to give me something better in it’s place, sometimes to give it back resurrected as a new creation.

I have been praying, “Lord, if photography is a gift you have given that you want me to keep pursuing that blesses others, then restore my passion. Because I don’t want to do this half hearted. I want to do this because I know it’s absolutely Your will for me to continue.”

And when I opened His word, He answered me with this:So now, after a maternity break soaking up the beginning days of motherhood, last weekend I dusted off my camera and stepped into shooting season again. With the addition of our sweet baby girl, I was able to take some time off to simply be a mom and transition to the joy (and exhaustion) I have waited so long for. But with this new season, my blog needed a make over to reflect a lot of personal changes (baby, farmhouse, mommyhood, oh my!). And with it, I am announcing I am now taking on a limited number of weddings and family sessions again in addition to my senior sessions. If you are interested in booking one of these with me, you can email me here!

For you reading this, I am continuing to keep a camera in my hands, and continuing to write from my heart. Because that’s what has always kept me connected to your heart in each season of your life as well. For those who keep asking me to photograph you, thank you for continuing to trust me to document your life’s most precious memories. And for those I’ve never photographed, but you have been a loyal blog follower all these years, thank you for continuing to let me share my heart with you, as you have trusted me with yours in return.

February 24, 2016April 8, 2016

SHARING HEARTS AROUND THE TABLE.

Last night a church women’s gathering, I sat around a table with other wives and the question “Who here has kids?” came up naturally. One by one each answered, each mothers, one next to me just found out she was pregnant with her second, one across the table blurting out her husband wanted more but she dreaded going through pregnancy again because her first labor had complications. Then there was me.

A year ago, I would have bolted at the first sign of that question. I would have quietly got up from the table and ran to the bathroom to cry because of the “last to get picked on the kickball team” syndrome that I often felt like infertility issues were over our 5 year struggle. I would have under my breath cursed the girl who said she didn’t want to get pregnant again when I really felt like screaming “AT LEAST YOU CAN HAVE KIDS!” I would have sat next to the girl who was currently pregnant with such envy and jealousy in my heart that she was currently carrying a second child asking God in my mind “Why a second for her? And not just one for me? I’ll take just one!”. Y’all, a year ago today, that round table would have stirred up so much crazy woman emotion inside of me, that would have left me crying in Stephen’s arms later that night when I could take off the superficial mask of “No, we don’t have children yet” smile that I got so good at answering in public, when privately inside it felt like someone putting a knife through my heart at the mention of the innocent question.

But instead… this year… through our adoption process… God has brought so much healing to my heart. When it got around to my turn at the table last night, I could joyfully say “We are expecting a baby girl in May through adoption.” And every one oohed and awed and were so excited for me. It was so nice to be in that place of the oohing and awwing. I had waited soooo long with those oohs and awwwws. It’s so the little things of feeling validated as a woman after so many tears through the years. After so many fake smiles when people had no idea how much I was dying inside at what felt like the impossible journey to motherhood with no destination near by. When it was all my heart desired, to be a mom, and God kept saying “Not yet.”

At that point of the conversation, the others around me started telling the other ladies at the table about my blog and how they should go read it, and how our story is beautiful. (I paid them to say that, really. Ha!) But I tell you what, in that moment, I felt like such a bad blogger knowing I hadn’t updated things in a while, and my blog entries are getting months and months apart. I often think, Y’all, what can I say other than… life gets busy. Seasons change. I had more time back in the day as a single gal. And now I’m a busy wife and soon to be mom, always juggling running a business from home while keeping up with everything that needs taking care of at home. Y’all, the struggle is real for the self-employed when trying to work at your desk like a normal person and hearing your washer tell you to put the next load in the dryer. So I apologize, my blog has slipped through the cracks. I always want my writing to inspire others, but I don’t always have time to write. For those who still visit and read, please forgive me.

On the opposite extreme, there’s also that part of me that wants to go back into my hermit crab shell. Some days I just want to remove everything off the internet, cancel all my social media accounts, and just live life in the everyday. With people in front of me. Not with people through my eyes glued to a phone. Some days it’s just hard to keep up with text messages, Facebook, Instagram, etc. I drew the line with SnapChat and refuse to get caught up in that. I’m in a season of I want to hear people’s voices more than read a status update. I want to receive personal emails or do more lunches, not just find out what’s going in their life by hopping on Facebook. I’m just over the whole social media thing and find overall it’s really making everyone LESS social.

But I know… pot calling the kettle black. Because here you are, reading my blog, and here I am writing this blog entry to you, instead of calling you up and saying “Hey let’s do lunch.”

I share all this because I just want you to know, if I’m blogging less regularly, it’s because all of this is swirling in my head. And if I’m blogging less regularly, it’s because I’m enjoying this season of prepping for motherhood, and all the doctors appointments that go along with our adoption process, and plainly, there are just other things going on behind the scenes that are keeping me busy. So for this season, blogging is on the back burner.

One thing I do want to close with is, at the end of our women’s night, the woman who blurted out she didn’t want to get pregnant again, she quietly pulled me aside afterward and said she was sorry to say that and hoped it didn’t hurt my feelings. I told her, a year ago, it would have, but tonight, it was nice to be in a place where it didn’t with how excited we are with our baby girl on the way through adoption. While her apology wasn’t needed, I was super touched by her compassion to even think twice about what she said, enough to say something privately to me. And in thinking about that moment, it reminded me, that’s exactly why I opened up on my blog about our infertility struggles last year. To help create awareness that there are those grieving silently about infertility, and by sharing my story, to encourage others to please be compassionate about your friend or loved one’s struggle. One in eight women dealing with the hardship would trade anything to be able to be able to conceive or carry through a pregnancy after multiple miscarriages. So to those who have been able to have children, think of your sister, friend or colleague before you complain about a pregnancy or your child driving you crazy. I know motherhood doesn’t come without it’s hard times and sacrifices. But please remember, you are blessed to be a mother, no matter how exhausting it is. No matter how hard your pregnancy was. No matter how unruly your children annoy you. You. Are. So. Blessed.

I’ll be back when I can… Until next time…