This morning, at 5:30am, with my entire body aching, I texted my mom while rocking and feeding my daughter, Bara Faith:

“Please tell me this sleep deprivation thing is a temporary part of motherhood.”

After not being able to fall asleep until 2am, to then be woken up for a 3am feeding, and now 5:30am, I was about to lose my mind.  She had gone from sleeping 12 hours a night, I was finally getting full night sleeps again, to now, suddenly at almost 10 months, this sleep regression thing.

Waking my own momma up at the crack of dawn with my texts, she stirred from her sleep to simply reply what I needed to be reminded:

“You are a good momma.”

And sometimes we just need that little reminder.  Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had.  After waiting so long for this role that I desperately prayed and hoped for, no one can quite prepare you for how insanely difficult, draining, selfless it all is until you’ve actually experienced it. Yet despite feeling like a zombie all day everyday, it’s this strange most joyful and fulfilling and rewarding thing ever knowing God has trusted this small human in your care who, even on the hardest days, flashes that certain smile at you and melts your heart to mush making it all worth it. I never knew I could love someone so fiercely, while being so joyfully exhausted all at the same time.

So this little letter is for my fellow stay at home moms of little ones out there who I once wondered “What do stay at home moms do all day?” And to those mommas who hustle outside the home, I applaud you also, because I just don’t know how you do it either.

Dear Stay At Home Mom,

On hardest days when you just don’t know if you can function any longer, I want you to know I see your sacrifices.  You are a good momma.

I see you getting up in the middle of night, sometimes several times a night, while your husband probably peacefully sleeps, wondering if you will ever get a full nights sleep again in this lifetime.

I see you stumbling to the kitchen in the dark to grab the bottle, or grab the pump, or grab the pacifier as you try with one eye open to soothe your little one.

I see you in the morning, looking in the mirror, not even caring what you look like anymore because it takes everything inside of you just to throw up a mom bun and throw on some yoga pants in between the constant demands of your baby needing you. And I see how accomplished you feel on the days you do actually get to do your hair and makeup.

I see you looking at the shower debating if it’s even worth the effort to try to squeeze one in that day knowing it won’t be relaxing because you’ll either be listening to your baby cry with separation anxiety or listening to one more round of their favorite cartoon’s song you now know every word to that you hope will entertain them long enough so you can actually wash the grime off yourself.

I see that cup of coffee that gets a few sips in the morning, then is abandoned throughout the day, maybe sipped on a few more times in between the mom hustle, then when you find it at the end of the day, you are impressed if you actually see the bottom of your cup. Though that’s usually not the case.

I see those dishes and laundry piling up, and it’s perfectly ok, because when your baby actually naps, you just want to squeeze in your favorite TV show to recharge, or nap also, instead of actually doing chores.

I see you having just made your lunch in a peaceful quiet moment that you baby is playing, only to sit down and take your first bite and suddenly, your baby needs something… again… so you jump up to handle it, come back to shove in a bite, your baby needs something else, you shove in another bite, you baby needs something else, and you finally give up on lunch realizing gone are the days you can finish a meal in one sitting.

I see you wishing you had a mute button some days for the highest possible random screeches you didn’t know were possible as your child learns to find their voice like a constant alarm clock going off all throughout the day with no snooze button.

I see you wanting to have a normal phone conversation but knowing it’s just not realistic without a meltdown/highest possible random screeches starting any moment in the background in three… two… one….

I see you trying to debate with someone who can’t even talk yet to try to convince them at mealtime to take… just… one… more… bite.

I see you jumping up always trying to be one step ahead of them as they are learning to be mobile, never really sitting longer than 5 minutes throughout the day at any given point in your day.

I see you wanting to curse every stop light and stop sign because of how it triggers your little one in the backseat to completely lose it when the car, how dare it, stops at any given point in the ride.

I see you passing by the nail place, as much as you love you little one, wanting so much to just have an hour to yourself to go get a pedicure and read gossip magazines without a squirmy little octopus crawling all over you.

I see you trying to entertain your baby by giving them all the fancy toys we didn’t have back in our day, and all they want is the one thing they can’t have.  Your phone.

I see you breaking every rule you ever had about limiting screen time because you just need a few minutes to recharge.  Or pee.

I see you wondering if you will ever be able to use the restroom privately again.

I see you trying to make dinner and just when you think your baby is cool calm and collected in the high chair or playpen or walker to allow you to prepare dinner, that’s when they decide to meltdown, leaving you to decide, do you choose to burn dinner, or soothe your baby?

I see you dropping the baby off at Grandma’s to actually go get some errands done, buy some groceries in peace, get a date night with your hubby (all while sneezing at the dust you had to brush off your stilettos for that date night because who has time to wear those anymore?).

I see you tiptoeing away from the nursery after you just spent a good hour trying to put your little fussy one down for the night, hoping that the slightest noise won’t undo all your hard work only to have to repeat the cycle… all… over… again.

I see you trying to work from home, if you do, sometimes sacrificing what should be your relaxing evening time to get that work in, because it’s just too hard to try to focus during the day.  I see you sacrificing even more sleep to hustle to want to provide a good life for your child. Because you just want so bad to give them the best of everything in this life.

I see you staying up even later after baby and husband are in bed to… just… have… a… moment… to… yourself… where no one needs anything from you…  and deep breathe…. knowing you have to do it all over again the next day.

I see you wondering how much more exhaustion you can take caring for someone else’s every single need, but then they smile or giggle or lock eyes with you when you rock them, telling your eyes with their smile how grateful they are to have YOU as their momma, their fierce protector, their first true love, and suddenly it’s like a jolt of expresso to your heart and you remember all the sacrifice and loss of sleep is… absolutely worth it.

I see you.  AND YOU ARE A GOOD MOMMA.  Don’t ever forget it.

Photo at the top of Bara Faith at 3 weeks by the beautiful Ginny Hobbs. Photo above of Bara Faith at 9 months courtesy of my iPhone.

When we stood at the beginning of our adoption journey, one of my biggest stresses was “How are we going to be able to afford to adopt?” My faith told me “If this is what God has called us to, He will make a way,” but my fear told me “Adoption costs more than some people make in a year, I hate how expensive this is, how are we ever going to save up all this money before the baby arrives in 9 months?” In the end, my faith trumped my fear and that’s what won in the end. But it definitely took getting creative to make it all happen.

In talking with others privately recently who want to adopt, the worry about the financial aspect seems to be a common thread in what holds most couples back from moving forward, and it’s definitely a legitimate and realistic concern. We will be forever grateful for the circle of love that surrounded us that helped us to fund our adoption with our online fundraiser and in other ways. And because of it, I wanted to pay it forward by sharing with you some tips for how to fundraise your own adoption if you ever feel led to do the same.  Some of these tips we did, some I heard of others doing, and sometimes what works great for some doesn’t work as great for others, but you never know until you try.  If there’s anything I could encourage you with, it’s that if you feel led to adopt, do NOT let the financial part stand in your way. God has such a heart for adoption, He tells us in James 1:27 that caring for orphans is the purest form of worship, and I have found through our story and other’s stories, He always always always makes a way. He is a God of turning the impossible into possible, and our story is a living testimony of how He provided beyond our greatest imagination to bring our baby girl home.

ONLINE FUNDRAISERS

Over the years we contributed to others’ online fundraisers to help fund their adoptions, and this was my first go-to to try to use in asking people if they would like to provide a gift toward our own adoption fund. There are great sites like GoFundMe.com or YouCaring.com that are easy to set up and share on social media. We found a lot of people preferred to give their gift via credit card, so it allowed us to be able to accept credit payments, with the money then deposited into our adoption fund.  Yes, the sites take a credit card processing fee, which stinks, but we ate the cost of that if it meant that it was easier for people to give. For people who also gave checks, we could also apply that amount given to the ongoing online amount given to continue watching us grow toward our goal. We also loved that people could write personal messages with their prayers and well wishes, and we hope to print this out in the future for our baby girl to read one day of all those who showed so much love to her before she was even here. Through our online fundraiser, we were able to raise most of the fees needed for our adoption, which blew my mind at how willingly so many people loved to help.  Social media like Facebook and Instagram is a very powerful thing, and though I had good size of “followers”, I found it was more people I actually knew more in my personal network who gave rather than perfect strangers, so don’t feel like you have to have a large following to utilize social media. But social media was a great way to share it with a larger audience and keep people reminded that we were fundraising. I was so touched how many people rallied around us and gave to our fund through our link.

SELL THINGS ON AMAZON

My husband surprised me with this one when he figured this out.  I thought you had to be a business to sell something on Amazon.com, but turns out, anyone can sign up for a Seller Central account as an individual instead of a professional and sell random used items around your home. He handled this one for us, but somehow through their app on his phone, he would go around our house, point the phone at the item, and it would scan it magically, it would find the item listed already for him on Amazon, tell him what the used price was going for, and he would list it for a few pennies less than what the lowest used item was going for.  Then once it sold, you print out the prepaid shipping label, stick the item in a box, tape the mailing label on it, and drop it at your local UPS store. We were able to sell about $1,000 worth of stuff we didn’t use anymore around the house, and I was so shocked how easy it was.  Things that sold great were technology items, video games, camera equipment, niched books, boardgames, art collectibles, anything with a UPC code that could be scanned.  Things that didn’t sell great but I thought would were regular books, DVDs and clothing items.  Also, before Amazon, we tried selling a few things on Ebay and that turned into a disaster with a few scammers trying to trick us to send the items before they paid us, claiming they would pay us once they received it. Thankfully we didn’t move forward with that to get taken advantage of, but that was one reason we liked Amazon better because there wasn’t a way for that to happen.

SELL CLOTHES ONLINE

Though Amazon wasn’t a good place to sell clothes, there are so many online consignment clothing places that make it easy to ship your clothes and accessories, they list it and take care of the sale, and they direct deposit your commission into your bank account.  I used TheRealReal.com and some other good ones to look into are ThredUp.com and Poshmark.com. As hard as it was to let go of some favorite items I had splurged on over the years, my daughter was worth the letting go.

GARAGE SALE

I’ve done garage sales in the past, some successful, some not so much, and though I didn’t do one during the time of our adoption fundraiser (since we mostly sold everything online above), I had a friend who did during her adoption process, and she had great success with it.  Someone at her church organized it to be held in the church parking lot, and they asked church members and other friends to donate items that could be sold with proceeds going to her adoption fund.  They also brought in a food truck, and the food truck donated it’s proceeds.  She earned several thousand dollars in one day doing this!

T-SHIRT FUNDRAISER

Something I didn’t do but a great idea a friend did was sell cute t-shirts that said “Adoption is the new pregnant!” She used Bonfirefunds.com and it made it easy for us to support her, and easy on her end because they fulfilled all the sales and printing and shipping for her.

FRIENDS USING THEIR BUSINESSES TO GIVE PROCEEDS FROM SALES

You know how it is on Facebook, most of your girlfriends have their side business selling Rodan & Fields, jewelry, pots and pans, essential oils, etc. We had several friends reach out wanting to host an event where people could buy from them and they donated the proceeds to our adoption fund. This is a great option for those people in your network who prefer to get something useful they can use in exchange for their gift to the adoption fund.

RAFFLE TICKET CONTEST

For me as a photographer, I held a raffle ticket contest giving away a portrait session for a $25 raffle ticket.  For every $25 raffle ticket they bought, they more entries they got, the more likely they were to be chosen at random. I had them purchase a raffle ticket by donating directly to our online fundraising site, then after a week, I put all the names in a stocking (because it was Christmas time) and pulled the winner’s name. After the session, the winner also had the option to purchase any print products from their session, which I also donated the proceeds to our fund. Even if you aren’t a photographer yourself, most people have a family photographer, so ask your photographer if they might be interested in doing something similar.

FRIENDS DONATING SERVICES

Similar to the raffle ticket idea above, some of my photographer friends across the country also ran their own raffle ticket contest to donate to our adoption fund. But if you know anyone who has a service based business, ask if they might be willing to help.  Think of your friends who are hairdressers, housekeepers, massage therapists, manicurists, personal stylists, event planners, etc.   Think of things that people might want to indulge in, but get for a cheaper price.  For example, a massage at a fancy spa can go upwards of $100 for an hour, so if they could win it for $25 raffle ticket, they are more likely to enter the contest.

TITHE

This is something you will need to pray about because it can be a topic that some people may have different thoughts about. Some people believe a tithe should only go to the church. My personal belief in what I understand from scripture is that a tithe can also be used to help others fulfilling biblical missions. We give most of our tithe to the church, but from time to time when I see someone raising funds for a biblical purpose, such as a missionary, we give our tithe to them instead so we can help them go spread the gospel. And similarly, we saw adoption as our biblical mission in how there are so many references to orphan care all throughout scripture. So after praying many months about it, we felt led to give our own tithe to our adoption fund during the time we were fundraising. And even more beautiful, without asking, we had others willingly tell us they felt led to do the same, giving of their tithe to our fund over several months. As hard as it can be to tithe, God has continued to show me over and over and over how He will always take that seed and multiply it in ways beyond what I could ever imagine.  Even in the seasons where money is tight and the financial forecast doesn’t look the greatest, we continue to tithe. He has never let us down and continues to always provide. One of my favorite verses on this topic I hold dear is: “ ^‘Bring to the storehouse a full tenth of what you earn so there will be food in my house. Test me in this,’ says the Lord All-Powerful. ‘I will open the windows of heaven for you and pour out all the blessings you need.'” -Malachi 3:10

CHURCH RESOURCES

Most churches have a huge heart for adoption because of God’s heart for orphan care. Many churches have resources, or grants, or can take up an offering during the service to help their members raise money to adopt. Talk to your church leaders about the options available how they can help.

CHRISTMAS CARDS

We started our adoption fundraiser in November, so in our Christmas cards we sent out in December, we included a letter that explained how we were fundraising for our baby on the way through adoption, and asked if they would consider giving a Christmas blessing to our adoption fund.  We included the link where they could donate, and asked family and close friends to donate to that in lieu of a usual Christmas gift. Little tip, shorten the link on the card by using bit.ly instead of making people type in a long link.

GRANTS

There are many organizations who provide grants for those adopting. Our adoption happened so quick that we didn’t have time to pursue this, but here is a link a friend provided with a starting place of grant resources available.

SIMPLY ASK

This one took overcoming a lot of pride.  Growing up as a very independent only child and business owner, I have never been one to ask others for help. I don’t even like to outsource much in my business because I like to do it all myself. But when it came to asking people to give to our adoption fundraiser, as hard and weird and uncomfortable as it can feel, I saw it as my very first “Momma Bear” moment of fighting for my child, even if that meant overcoming my own pride to ask for help. I also clung to Matthew 7:7: “Ask, and God will give to you. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will open for you.” So before ever asking the first person, I asked God how we would ever be able to afford adoption after losing a lot of money on fertility treatments, and He told me it would be given to us. So I moved forward in faith, and started asking others. As much as I started to feel like I was posting about it too much on my Facebook and Instagram feeds, everytime I posted, more donations came in. As time went on, I even had a handful of others tell me to keep posting because it gave them reminders in the midst of their busyness while waiting for money to come in that they wanted to contribute later on. And with how much all the social media algorithms mess everything up, not everyone even sees all your posts in the right order, so it’s important to keep posting about it. Also, even if people can’t contribute financially, people love getting creative with you on other ways they can help you raise money, so don’t be shy in asking for their brainstorming input on how you can maximize every one’s creative gifts to come together for this beautiful cause.

CREDIT CARDS OR A LOAN

Our goal was to adopt debt free, which we mostly were able to until the very end when some unexpected expenses popped up beyond what we were able to fundraise.  So last case scenario, we had to put our remaining fees on the credit card to pay off over time.  I do not encourage anyone to go into debt for their adoption, but I am grateful that we had it as an option for a back up plan. And if you do have to go this route, at least find a credit card that gives cash back or helps you rack up some amazing points toward a future vacation or something with your little one!

I hope these tips help you as you pursue adoption, or at least consider it. As I look at my sweet girl each day and all her smiles and giggles, I am reminded that she was so worth all the efforts to do everything we possibly could to help make our adoption possible. I pray that you receive a similar circle of love surrounding you and your future child the way we received so much love circling around us and our sweet miracle.

Three months ago today, on April 26, 2016, my sweet daughter, Bara Faith (pronounced bear-ah), arrived into the world a month early, and last week on July 21, 2016, we stood in front of a judge vowing to love her forever as we finalized her adoption.

Up to this point my blog entries have been about my journey to motherhood during the tear-filled grieving waiting seasons of our infertility struggles, and during the journey of our adoption process.  But now I can say it, what I have longed to say after 5 years of the wanting and waiting… I. Am. A. Mother.

I feel like I have had so much to say along the way about my beginnings days of motherhood, a little bit I have shared on my Instagram for those who have been following our story, but then time blinked and she’s already 3 months. These past 12 weeks have been a whirlwind of so much joy, exhaustion, colic, smiles, feeling like a zombie, tears of joy holding her while dancing in the kitchen that I finally have my promised child in my arms, and more exhaustion.

One thing I keep thinking in the midst of it all is, “I can’t believe all those years ago, I used to not want to adopt.” I look at her sweet face all the time, and as she smiles back at me, I think how grateful I am that God stirred my heart to be open to it and all the beauty that has occurred since taking that step of faith.

I remember in the past hearing/reading about other’s adoption stories and thinking, “Oh that’s nice for them, I could never do that, let alone afford that.” Adoption always seemed like it was meant for “other” people. And I especially didn’t want to do it as a last resort in our journey to parenthood if it became our only option. I knew if we were ever called to adopt in the midst of our fertility struggles that I wanted it to be something we were intentionally choosing. To be able to tell a child one day, “We chose to bring you in our family,” not just, “you were our last resort.” So last year as we stood at the crossroads of, do we try more fertility treatments, or do we open the door to adoption, we chose adoption. I remember standing at the beginning of it feeling it was huge mountain in front of me that seemed impossible to climb. But slowly, beautiful heart by beautiful heart, God sent people in my path to help answer all my hard questions, to send referrals and resources, and not to mention the countless number of people He sent who gave and helped us fund the adoption.

Now I look at this precious face everyday in such awe that God would choose us to be her parents.

That her birthparents would choose us of everyone in the world to give her the best life possible.

That I get this privilege to raise her to know Jesus and share His love with the world. I always want her life story to be one that brings hope to others, and I always want to be an open book to those who might be considering about the adoption process and have questions. If you are someone considering adoption, but need someone to talk to heart to heart about it, I welcome you to email me and introduce yourself and share with me your story. No, adoption is not for everyone, but for everyone who adopts, it is absolutely indescribably life changing. And the best decision I ever made.God’s word says in Psalm 127:3 that “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him.” Thank you Jesus for keeping Your promise when You told me 5 years ago that You would create a baby girl for me. She is my most precious gift.

For all the longing over the years, I’m learning very quickly that motherhood is a hard exhausting job, yet the most rewarding. Leave me a comment below and tell me what your favorite thing about motherhood is that has been so rewarding for you. So far for me, it’s when I walk into a room and she turns her head to look at me and then smiles. Though I didn’t carry her myself, the way she recognizes me as her Momma and shows me through her smile how happy she is as my daughter, it melts my momma heart everytime!

One of the things I used to grieve the most with our infertility struggles was… missing out on the excitement of pregnancy.  That joy of seeing a positive stick.  That joy of the first heartbeat, the first ultrasound, watching a little peanut grown into a watermelon, feeling the kicks and watching the bump grow.  I so often felt in my previous struggles to conceive that that significant chapter of my life was robbed from me, and it felt unfair, often questioning God, why I wasn’t allowed to experience those same joys that seemed like a God given right for every woman.

But then this adoption happened… this open adoption where from day one, no we didn’t have the excitement of seeing our own positive stick, but we did have the excitement of being matched and chosen by our birth mom Kassie.  That morning when we got the phone call from our adoption agency, we felt all the same exhilaration as if we had our very own positive stick. And all our loved ones has been just as excited for us as well!  And from the very first doctor’s appointment, Kassie has allowed me to attend every visit and experience every ultrasound. When we are together, she often grabs my hand all of a sudden every time she feels our baby girl kick so I can feel the kicks as well.  She lets me be the one to keep all the ultrasound photos, and even gave me her positive stick to have for keepsake. As we journey together through this pregnancy, I have realized, all of the above I thought I would miss out on, I didn’t end up missing out on at all.  Instead, what God gave me, this unfair God I once thought He was, He saw the bigger picture, and gave me all the joys of pregnancy and so much more.

Because when this pregnancy is over in 2 months, what I’ll miss most about our doctor’s appointments are… not so much the doctor’s appointments themselves, but the hour long car rides to and from the doctor’s appointments with Kassie.  Because it’s in those car rides where Kassie and I have shared tears together, both from each of our perspectives on this journey.  It’s where we have prayed together, through the ups and downs and struggles and victories, both putting our complete trust in our loving Heavenly Father as we both take steps of faith in loving this baby girl each in unique ways. The car rides are where our hearts have been shared, catching up each week, building a friendship, and almost a sisterhood, through this baby girl and how she is merging our families together.

There are so many joys in this journey I am grateful for, like those car rides.  But ya’ll, adoption is hard, and there are so many struggles as well.  Behind the scenes of adoption, there are so many stresses and dynamics… on both sides… that sometimes feel like they get the best of us. Adoption is not for the faint of heart.  Another adoptive mom warned me in the beginning that adoption is so dear to God’s heart that with it comes spiritual warfare.  That the enemy hates adoption because adoption is the very foundation of what becoming a Christian is all about, as we as God’s children are adopted in His kingdom. And the closer this adoption gets, the more I see that spiritual warfare playing out.  Some days everything stresses me out and I’m consumed with anxieties. Some days everything stresses Kassie out, and she tries to laugh that her added hormones don’t help.  Some days outsiders, who don’t understand the beauty of this God written story, have opinions and use their words to harm instead of encourage.  Some days Satan roams around like a roaring lion wanting to speak doubts into everyone’s minds and cause dissension and take our focus off of God’s great thing He is doing here through this baby girl.  It’s a constant fight of faith.  It’s a fight for more faith. It’s a constant daily surrender on my knees in prayer to Jesus that the enemy would stay away from this promised child on the way and away from the beautiful soul God is using to carry her into this world.   Like any baby in the womb, her life is a complete miracle.  God is wonderfully and fearfully knitting her together in Kassie’s womb for a great purpose that her life will be through Kassie’s nature and my nurture that will make up the strength of her body and soul in the years to come as she grows to know her identity as a chosen child of God.  I know He has BIG plans to use her life for His glory. And because of it, each step of this journey must constantly be covered in faith and prayer.

Though Kassie and I face different circumstances that brought us to this place, though some days are harder than others, I am grateful that through it all, God has overflowed my cup. Because it wasn’t just a pregnancy He allowed me to experience, it was also a deep love for a perfect stranger who quickly became new family through 40 weeks of car rides.  And after 5 years of tear filled prayers for my miracle, of all the people in the world, He chose the one in the passenger seat to be my hero to bring my miracle into this world.  No, neither Kassie or I are perfect people, but I love that Jesus can use two broken people to carry out His beautiful story He is writing through both of us committing sacrificially in different ways to love this baby girl.  Only through His grace, through His mercies being new every morning, are we each able to come together and courageously keep walking by faith.  And driving by faith… one car ride together at a time.

I loved this photo I snapped of Kassie sleeping in the passenger seat after a doctor’s appointment and the way my cross on my rearview mirror coincidentally appeared as a shadow directly on Kassie’s belly.  It was such a beautiful reminder that Jesus has His protective hand on our baby girl every step of the way!