Today is National Adoption Day and because of it Stephen and I wanted to use this day to announce…. We’re expecting a BABY through adoption on May 25!!  ::happy dance:: We don’t know the gender until December 21, and I’m so excited to find out right before my Christmas Birthday!  I can’t imagine a better gift!

After what has been a looooong journey to parenthood these past 4.5 years, behind the scenes, we have been in the adoption process and in mid October we were matched and chosen by amazing birth parents who we have come to love to and adore through each step of this process.  The friendship we have developed with them has become such an unexpected beautiful part of the process, and we are so grateful for their trust in us to be the ones chosen to love their most precious gift when it arrives!

But through all this excitement, I want to share a little bit of background of how we got to where we are today… and make a confession to you I just need to get off my chest.

In being real with you, I just need to say… prior to all of this…. I didn’t want to adopt.

I fear writing that statement above because I don’t want it to be misperceived the wrong way, but I want you to know how I got to this point of being so excited to do that which I never thought I would. If you ask me circa (any date prior to this year), I will straight up tell you, adoption was not for me.  I knew adoption was a beautiful and biblical thing, but adoption always seemed like that thing that was for “other” people, like my girlfriends who grew up with this deep passion in their hearts to want to adopt, which I never quite connected with.  Or the stories like this one where we all get to witness their passion in every picture fighting for their children in another country.  That was nice for them, and while I contributed to their fundraiser to help them, adoption just wasn’t a desire in my heart at the time.

As it goes with most couples struggling with infertility, I was determined to have my “own” biological children. Though technically, 11 years ago, I had already experienced adoption through my #poodlechild and had seen through him how big my heart could grow for a living being not of my own blood.  But, still, I just questioned along this journey if it would be the same with a “real” human child not of my own.

Year 1, at our first fertility doctor’s appointment early on in our marriage, we had a doctor straight up tell us, “You can either try this treatment, or adoption, that’s pretty much your only options.” I was so taken back. How dare he suggest adoption?  Wasn’t it his job to do the science and make this biological thing happen?  I mean, with all the modern day technologies people fork out their life savings for, there had to be some kind of guarantee that the treatment would work? But as he told us that day, there are no guarantees, and we left the doctor’s office feeling defeated and hopeless.

Year 2, we began to learn more about adoption through our church and decided to open a door to give it a try.  We tried for about 6 months to pursue adoption through the state foster system.  After one continued roadblock after another, I’m choosing to keep my mouth shut on all the frustrations involved with how hard the state makes it for all the children in need to be adopted.  But, more so, with all the continued closed doors in our faces on that path, we took it as God said no, again feeling defeated and hopeless.

Year 3, we tried our first fertility treatment, and it didn’t work.  Though all the science played in our favor, God intervened and again said no.  And I spent months after grieving the baby we couldn’t conceive and again feeling defeated and hopeless….. All of this happened right before the holidays, and I spent much of last year’s Christmas season horribly mad at Jesus…  as in “Do not speak to me right now because I prayed about this, I had the faith believing, I even held my Bible in my hands during the procedure, and You didn’t make it happen, and I’m just crushed and don’t know what I believe right now.”  I knew what Jesus went through on the cross, and I knew my attitude in the midst of disappointment was something He of all people could take as I worked through the stages of grief.

Yet…. there’s always a yet…. His grace interceded.

Year 4, I used 2015 to heal.  Not so much my body, but my heart.  I knew God needed to piece together the broken pieces of my heart before I could consider any other option to pursue again on what felt like this awkward middle chapter of our story.  I knew God knew the desires of my heart to become a mother, but I also knew He needed me to simply be still through the waiting and know, know, know that He above everything is God (Psalm 46:10), especially when we don’t get our way, when we want it. He used this past year to teach me to know He is enough, even if I don’t end up with children in my arms or womb.  I knew God needed me to let go of trying to control the situation in this marathon race toward motherhood and start to let down walls around my heart to begin to hope in other possibilities that just might far exceed my own desires.

As Stephen and I moved months forward, and began to have “those” talks again about when and what we wanted to do option A, B, or C again, we considered trying another cycle of the fertility treatment… yet… there’s that yet again…. I started to feel a nudge in another direction. I knew we were at a crossroads of two doors in front of us.  I knew what door I wanted to go down, trying another cycle, but I felt that loving nudge from Jesus saying:

Just open the door to private baby adoption.  Open the door and give me room to move to see if THIS door is the door I want to move through, and possibly have been waiting to move through all along.

I straight up told him NO at first.

After all our frustrations and let down through the state system to try to adopt an older child out of the foster care system, and over and over having that door slammed shut, I just didn’t think I could handle going through frustration like that with adoption again.  So when He asked me to open the door to baby adoption this time around, I was, like, straight up, yeah, not going there again with this adoption thing again, even if it was a different path of adoption this time.

Yet… He continued to nudge.

“ButIdontwanna” I would say under my breath like a whiney kid for fear that my heart would get broken again.

Yet… He continued to nudge.

“Butitsofreakinexpensive” I would remind Him as if money intimidated the Creator of the Universe.

Yet… He continued to nudge.

And in the midst of this constant push and pull, my mom sent me a link to an adoption agency. Really, Momma?  Really?  I mean, I guess if God used her to send me a link to an adoption agency, I guess, I mean, I could maybe sorta look into it and ask around about it. So I did.  And I searched several other options.  Meanwhile, Stephen and I started having those talks about choosing adoption vs more fertility treatments, and we ultimately decided, if adoption IS the path God wants for us to have a child, we want them to know, we absolutely chose to bring them into our family, and not that they were just a back up plan because more fertility treatments didn’t work.  So we laid to rest moving forward with more fertility treatments, and it wasn’t until I was recommended by someone else about another adoption agency here in Jacksonville that I no longer felt the nudge, I felt a huge push.  And within two days, next thing I knew, we were signing up with the agency.  And within a few weeks we were already getting calls about potential birth moms.  And I stood amazed at how quickly Jesus took the wheel, now that I gave Him the opportunity to do so, and drove us down this road to where we now are.

Just two months after telling the Lord I was willing, just TWO MONTHS, we got chosen by our birth parents. (And y’all, can I just brag, I have the most amazing birth mom ever! She has already grown to have such a huge place in my heart!) I didn’t expect it to happen THIS fast after all the stories I’ve heard about how long it takes others.

But here we are.

We. Are. Actually. Adopting.

And Stephen & I couldn’t be MORE excited!!!

There was one particular thing that played a huge turning point for me along the way of my prior anti-adoption campaign in my heart.  Back in June when I finally mustered up the courage to open up here on my blog about our infertility struggles, God intersected my heart with another who He knew I needed to meet.  In that blog entry, which I almost didn’t publish for fear of opening up about our private struggles to the world, I posted a random video that Stephen randomly saw on Facebook and when I watched it, I sobbed… and sobbed… and sobbed… because, their story was our story, down to the very detail that years ago God gave me a vision with a promise He would create a child for us and a specific name for a baby girl just like He had done for them (which leaves me real curious now if our child will be a girl or a boy, ha!). Finally, finally, as I watched the video, I could see in front of me, someone who “got” the pain and grief infertility has been in our lives and marriage and faith. And I sobbed because their happy ending was… they adopted.  And I knew, watching that video, God was calling me to something higher than I was allowing myself to hope in.

Then the miraculous happened.  Out of the blue, the following day after publishing that blog entry, I received an email from the mom in the video.  What?  How?  Wait a minute, THE mom in the video that made me sob so much?  How in the world did she find MY blog entry?  I still to this day don’t know that answer, but I do know that was a miracle right in front of my eyes. Only God… only… God could have allowed our heart strings to connect on this huge world wide web.

And her email… y’all… I’ve received some amazing emails in my life, but this one particular email was the kindest, most compassionate example of Christ.  Here I was, this perfect stranger to her, and she had volunteered to be a new source of support should I need it. Again, I sobbed. And boy, did I ever need the support.

So our friendship began.  And I began asking her the hard questions, you know, the ones you are kind of embarrassed to ask about adoption like “How do you love another woman’s baby? Do your children really feel like ‘yours?’ Does it feel like you are ‘sharing’ a child with someone else? Do you still struggle with the pain of infertility, or does that fade now that you’ve adopted?  How do you get to that place of knowing it’s the right time to stop believing for your own biological child and pursue adoption? How did you raise money to fund it all?”

And question by question, answer by answer, God used this new friend, and many others along the way, to tear down the walls around my heart about this topic I knew He was ultimately calling me to.

Another cool thing I discovered along the way.  Once we found out the due date our baby, I started doing the math out of curiosity of when God chose to create our baby.  Looking back over the calendar, from the time I told God I was willing to adopt and took the step of faith to sign up with the agency, exactly 5 days later He created our baby.  And what’s amazing is I remember that day very vividly because it was the day my friend’s own miracle baby was born.  As I walked into the maternity ward that day, I remember seeing the most beautiful rainbow covering the sky above.  At the time, I thought that was a beautiful gift for my friend’s baby’s arrival, but as my friend pointed out later when I told her how the dates coordinated, she said, “Maybe that rainbow was a gift for both of us.” (And cue the tears.) After all, God told Noah in the Bible that the rainbow was a symbol of the end of the flood season, and a reminder of God keeping His promise.  And He sure knows the flood of tears that have fallen from my eyes over the years up to this point.  I am blown away, yet not really surprised, at what a mighty Creator we serve. When I finally surrendered to His will over my own, it then gave Him room to perform our miracle.  And though for many years I was foolish thinking our miracle would only be by conceiving our own biological child, seeing God’s hand in all the small and big details of this journey, I’m realizing adoption is still just as big of a miracle.

So here we are… adopting!!!! It still feels so surreal to say.  It’s the last thing we ever expected to be doing, yet God knew all along this is where our path to parenthood would lead us.

And now we need YOUR HELP to bring our baby home.

In taking this step of faith, we also face the reality that we have a large sum of adoption fees, legal fees and home study fees all due in full before May 2016.  It feels overwhelming, but we are believing for God to provide through the generosity of loved ones and friends here on the world wide web. I know through witnessing other people’s adoption journey’s, God has a special place in His heart for adoption, and I am trusting Him that He will provide the financial resources to make this happen.

Stephen and I invite you pray about whether God is leading you to help us bring our baby home through a financial gift.  Even if you are not in a position to give a big amount, we cherish every contribution big or small, and we cherish every share of this blog post to help spread the word. We look forward to sharing with our child about the random act of kindness others gave to help bring them into our family.  We also plan to make a special book highlighting every one’s names and comments who helped to make it possible so they can know from the beginning of their life how powerful their Heavenly Father is as their greatest provider in life.  If you have any further questions about how your gift will be used, I am available by email here.

Thank you for being with us on this journey and partnering with us to help make this all happen through your prayerful consideration to bless our baby!  Due to agency regulations, we have to keep our fundraising page private.  If you feel led to contribute, please email me or direct message me on Facebook and I will provide you the private link where you can securely submit your gift.

Above all else, we cherish you prayers for this continued journey.  We ask for prayers for our hearts and all the emotions that flow along the way.  We ask for prayers for our birth mom’s day to day courageous own personal journey, and for the health of the child she chose to give life to and is so graciously carrying for us and trusting us with to raise and love. And we ask for prayers that by sharing our story, it can give hope to others struggling to expand their family who might also feel hopeless and defeated.

For those who have reached out privately over the years sharing how you have already been praying for us, our hearts continue to overflow with your love and compassion and friendship.What a journey of walking by faith this has all been, and continues to be….

“Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it.” -Hebrews 11:1

With love,

Scarlett & Stephen

The dreaded question.

It was a normal day, our lawn guy rang the doorbell to ask me something about the yard, then he asks me the dreaded question.

“So where are the kiddos?  You guys have been married for a while now, so when are the kids coming?”

On a hormonal day, this might have brought me to tears.  If. He. Only.  Knew… the hardship it has been trying to expand our family.  But this day, God did something to guard my heart and I smiled and simply said, “We’re working on it.”

Shutting the door, slightly annoyed, I knew deep down, I couldn’t blame him.  I know people have good intentions when asking, it’s how life naturally evolves.  First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage.  We’ve all been taught that song from a young age. But then sometimes, that part of the broken record keeps repeating at “then comes marriage.. skip… then comes marriage… skip… then comes marriage,” and 1 in 8 couples sit here frustrated because we just want to fix the broken record and continue on “and then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”  But sometimes, you just end up throwing the record player of life against the wall because it’s just not that easy for everyone.

In the media, I’ve been sooooo ecstatic seeing so many celebrities start opening up about their infertility struggles like Jamie King, Mark Zuckerberg, Gabrielle Union, Tyra Banks and Chrissy Teigen.  And while I may or may not be a fan of them personally, it’s been such a breath of fresh air that people with a spotlight are now putting a spotlight on the knock down drag out fight that infertility struggles are.  For a topic that is addressed so many times in the Bible, I’ve never understood why more churches don’t provide support groups or address this topic on Sundays, or why in general, it has been a topic that is so hush hush amongst friends and family members.

In this video below, Chrissy Teigen, says how rude it is to ask someone when they are going to have kids.  And to be honest, while I formed tears watching Tyra form tears in the second half the video, I have to say, as someone on the receiving end of this question all the time as well, I completely disagree with Chrissy’s response.

Let me explain why I disagree… yes, from a media point of view, I can imagine how frustrating it must be for her to be asked this question every time in every interview.  But there is a right and wrong way to ask.

I admit, when I was first starting out as a wedding photographer, I would ask my clients all the time “When do you plan to start a family?” innocently, because, that was just the normal thing I assumed would evolve after I photographed their wedding. I had no idea at the time how hard it was for some and how assuming that question was that every couple could or even wanted kids. But now going through infertility struggles myself, I’ve learned instead to ask to others:

“Do you hope to have children?”

Because the reality is, not everyone “wants” kids, I know some couples, it’s just not their desire and that’s cool.  And by asking “Do you hope to have children?” it doesn’t automatically assume that something is wrong with them if they don’t “want” to or expect anyone to know “when” it will happen.  And for those who are actively trying, by asking “Do you hope to have children?” it leaves it positive and hopeful, because, yes we who are trying all hope to, with every fiber in our being we hope our greatest prayers will be answered, and are still just trying to figure out God’s “when.”

And then there is the question, do you even ask at all?  Because like Chrissy said in the video above, when you ask the wrong person on the wrong day, you might get fireworks. But the reason I disagree with her response is because to those of us fighting this fight to expand our families, by your lack of NOT asking, especially for those that know we are trying, your not asking can appear more rude as if you don’t care about our struggle, or don’t acknowledge our struggle as real.  No, I’m not saying you should ask perfect strangers you just met because it crosses the nosey line, but if you have a loved one going through the grief of failed treatments, miscarriages, adoption failures, trying, trying, trying, by your not asking, we assume you don’t care.  “But I don’t want to pry?” you might think, and even had a close friend say to me recently. “I know it’s a touchy subject, so I didn’t want to upset you by asking,” she said.  But as I explained to her, it actually upsets me MORE when loved ones don’t ask, because we don’t want to unload about the stress of it all on you if you don’t care to hear about it, so we just assume we won’t tell you unless you actually ask. We actually crave for people to ask about updates, because sometimes, we just need someone to vent to about how hard this journey really is.  But if you don’t ask, we assume you don’t care and we don’t want to burden you with this thing that drives us to points of craziness some days.

I can’t tell you the joy I get when a friend or family member reaches out simply to say they were thinking and praying for me about this topic and then go on to ask if there are any updates.  It’s a beautiful feeling to know, wow, they cared enough to send a note in the middle of their busy day to let me know, I’m not alone in this fight.

Because if that’s one thing this struggle does, it makes you feel alone.  As you look around at all your friends getting blessed sometimes multiple times while you continue to wait for your turn, it’s the whole last to be picked on the playground team feeling all over again. And some days, most days, we just want someone to reach out their hand, and say, “You aren’t alone. I’ve got you/I feel for you/I’m praying for you/Let’s go take it out on ice cream.”  Whether it’s the unexpected grief associated with infertility or grief of losing a loved one, the greatest gift you can give someone dealing with a significant loss in their life is by simply letting them know you acknowledge their grief. By this acknowledgement, it shows you care.

So if you are curious about when someone’s family life is going to expand, my argument is, when in doubt, ask.  Just rephrase the way you ask.  And if you already know a loved one who is trying, ALWAYS ASK.  And if you aren’t sure if you should ask, maybe ask them if they even like to be asked, or prefer not to be.  Because I know this is all simply my perspective of this journey and some choose to be more private.

The bottomline is, as my mom always says, “Whatever the question, love is the answer.”  And as long as you ask in love, you might bring more healing to a loved one than you know.

What are your thoughts?  If you are or have been down this road, do you like for others to ask you family expanding questions?  Leave a comment below and share your own perspective on this topic!

“Lord, listen to my words.  Understand my sadness.  Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, because I pray to you. Lord, every morning you hear my voice. Every morning, I tell you what I need, and I wait for your answer.” -Psalm 5:1-3

Right now in Florida it has still been pushing a sweltering 90 degrees and I long for the days I feel a slight crisp in the air to catch up to that scarf/boot wearing season I see all the fashion bloggers rocking on my Instagram feed.

And in life, I feel the same general tug of being in one season ready to be in another season, but instead I have no choice but to just keep sweating it out.

In this season, yes I’m having a blast photographing senior girls, enjoying setting my own schedule, having freedom to go and come as I please, I’m really truly trying to take advantage of the whole sleeping in thing almost everyday, because, well, I can.  But at the same time, my heart longs for being woke up at all hours of the night to the cries of a baby I can nurture. To be that friend that is like “Oh I can’t hang out because my child comes first,” to stress about potty training and other things I see moms complain about on my newsfeeds and completely roll my eyes at when I honestly just want to scream “Do you know how blessed you are to HAVE that child you complain about?”

I really don’t want this blog to become all about my infertility struggles, but sometimes it’s such at the forefront of my mind, and I just need to vent about the realities of it being more than a “just relax/adopt/take a vacation and it will happen” thing. And I share posts like today because I know I’m not the only one struggling here, and well, this is the trial He has placed me in in this season to dig deeper in my faith through it all.  But as time goes on, it’s such a weird feeling to be stuck in one season while you see everyone else progress in life and meanwhile, I continue to wait and distract myself with other things until it’s God’s perfect timing. Because really, all they really are are distractions for the one thing my heart really desires. ::sigh::

It kind of reminds me of the prom. Junior year all my closest girlfriends got asked to the prom, except me (I know, woe is me, bring out the violin strings.). But while I could go shopping alongside my friends for the perfect dress and daydream about it, all I could really do is live vicariously through them that year, because, well, it just wasn’t my turn yet. That year, I continued to wait and hope that maybe next year I would get asked, and I indeed did get asked the following year, and because of it, I enjoyed the prom that much more Senior year. And I know, I just know, motherhood will be like that. I know with all my heart it will be worth the wait, and because of the wait I will have a greater appreciation for every single moment of motherhood. But in the meantime, I have my moments where I’m sure getting impatient.

So for all the moms out there who use your newsfeed to complain about how crazy your kids make you, just know there are those out there who would give anything to be a mom period, and we kind of don’t have sympathy for those complaints about your greatest blessing.

But then again after a few sleepless nights when my time comes, I’m sure one day I’ll be eating my own words. Because in the way I hear that you forget about the pains of childbirth, I’m really hoping that when the Lord blesses us with a child eventually whether through natural or adopted, that I too will forget about the pains of this waiting season.

I always like my blog posts to be inspiring and I feel that’s been half the reason why the lack of blog posts lately (and being insanely busy with senior shoots this summer), is because I’ve been in a state of not feeling very inspirational as I continue to struggle daily on this journey and question a lot of things.  As I continue to walk this journey of empty arms, my emotional state changes from one minute to another as I endure the highs and lows, and sometimes really low lows, trying to keep the faith, keep focused on the bigger picture, and do everything I can to make it through another day with empty arms (minus one adorable #poodlechild). It’s a constant battle of trying not to blame God, to not be jealous of every girlfriend who receives their blessing, and still enjoy everything I AM blessed with when some days all my heart can focus on is what is lacking. Some days that Christina Perri song comes across my Pandora that says:

“I can fake a smile

I can force a laugh

I can dance and play the part

If that’s what you ask

Give you all I am

I can do it

But I’m only human”

Most days that feels like my conversation with God when my heart is heavy. Most days this journey feels so unfair. Most days I’m learning to build my strength as I push through continued disappointment to still try to find the good in life.

Because I know, with everything in my heart, God IS still good and has good plans for us. Even when He’s silent. Even when our hearts desires are postponed. Even when His answer is no because He knows there is something better in store.

But for today, I’m only human.