As divided as this country has felt in recent events, I think we can all agree on one thing: the year 2020 was a wild ride for all of us. A lot has changed from my last blog entry in early 2020 to now, so here’s a recap of the twists and turns that had me quiet on the blog this past year, and the exciting changes ahead.

In a bible study with friends I was in at the beginning of last year, I remember a friend saying their goal was they wanted “clarity” because, afterall, 2020 is perfect vision. And I tagged along to that goal because it was something I so desperately wanted in my life as well as I found myself struggling a lot with what was next for my own hopes and dreams to use the gifts the Lord has given me.

You see, in the throws of new motherhood the past 4 years, I just wanted something for “me” again careerwise outside of motherhood. So when I saw an opportunity to receive a scholarship to get my real estate license, I jumped on it, because it seemed like the perfect solution to use my entrepreneur skills again and combine my love of homes and helping others. In the whirlwind of a few months last summer through the end of the year, I got my license, started full-time hours with a brokerage, hustled my butt off and sold $2 million in sales… and then, in the blink of a weekend, due to some personal family developments that suddenly required me to be back home full time with my kids again, my short lived real estate career was over as quickly as it began. Sigh……..

I was back to square one. With the turn of events, during my time back home again, I kept asking God “Now what?” While sure, I could have tried to find a way to continue real estate maybe part time, really, taking a breather from it only revealed to me that I honestly didn’t miss it and didn’t really want to continue doing it. And that’s ok. It was an adventure I tried and I’m grateful for the time I got to dip my toes into it, but the more I prayed about it while back home with my kids, I gained clarity that it just wasn’t what my heart wanted to continue pursuing anymore.

At the beginning of 2021, I began 40-day prayer fast to continue seeking clarity for this coming year. And the more I kept pressing in to God’s heart asking “Now what?,” His answer kept pointing me back to the one very thing deep in my heart that I kept running from for years. All I kept hearing from Him about this one thing was: “It’s time.”

As in… it was time to publish my book. My poor sweet book that I wrote once upon a time and honestly never gained the courage to actually try to publish it. It was this beautiful clump of words I poured my heart into in my season before motherhood where I was on a desperate search to find hope in the face of my unwanted circumstance that infertility put me in. As I desperately tried to to understand God’s greater purpose in that season of my ache and frustration of unanswered prayers, I began documenting my journey to fight for faith in this book, in hopes that maybe one day, it could help at least one other person out there who was also struggling with their faith.

Though it has been years later, I still thought often about how God gave me those written words to help bless other people currently in their season of questioning His goodness as they wait for prayers to be answered. Meanwhile, my abandoned book just sat as a file on my hard drive… because of all my excuses in the world… but mostly… because of my lack of bravery of putting my heart on the line for the world to read. That raw vulnerable ache I once felt waiting and waiting and waiting on the Lord, and all the ugly cries that poured from heart during the wait.

As I faced the crossroads recently that lead me back home to my family, and with the divine timing of meeting of a new friend now in that season I once was, God whispered into my heart:

“Remember those words I wrote through you all those years ago? Don’t forget the others out there who are now in that place of waiting for My promises to be fulfilled. The others out there who need your words in your book to be encouraged that I have not forgotten them either in their valley the way you once felt in yours. That there IS hope for them in this season when their faith is barren. It’s time for you to surrender your fears, and let Me take the words I wrote through you into the hearts of those who need it most. Let’s start 2021 moving forward on this again.”

Ok, Lord, I’m listening. I’m finally listening, and choosing to say back to You as bravely as Mary once spoke: “I am the servant of the Lord. Let this happen to me as you say!” (Luke 1:38 NCV)

If there’s anything I’ve learned from my journey with God, it’s that when He takes things away, it’s because it’s just the beginning of an even better blessing on the way. Because after all, He gives us Romans 8:28, where He has promised us that in ALL things, He works for the good of those who love Him.

So, now, I write this blog entry to ask you, friend, to keep me accountable in prayer. I write this to share with you my fears that I’m determined to conquer to fulfill this vision the Lord once laid upon my heart to help others through the words He wrote through me in my upcoming book “The Ugly Cry: Hope For When Your Faith Is Barren.” I’ve been working diligently behind the scenes during my kid’s nap times to take steps toward self-publishing my book, and I look forward to the day very soon that I can share with you that it’s available! If you want to be the first to know when it’s available for reading, make sure to jump on my mailing list where you’ll also receive a free sneak peek excerpt from the book.

And if you’d like to be a part of my launch team for my book, leave a comment here on the blog or shoot me a DM. I don’t know exactly what that entails yet on your part, but I know I won’t be able to do this alone. I’m counting on you to help me get across that finish line to give birth to this dream and help get my words of hope into the hands of those who need it most.

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