When you think back over your life, have you chosen comfort? Or have you chosen risk?
It’s taken me almost 40 years, but I’m starting to realize a recurring theme in my life.
God likes to make me face the things I thought I’d never do, and bravely do them anyway.
Growing up, I thought I had everything planned out. I was going to be an architect. It’s all I ever wanted. I would spend hours combing through floorplan books studying the way homes were designed, dreaming about my years to come studying architecture at the University of Florida, then growing a thriving career as a top female architect designing luxury homes.
Until I hit Freshman year. And in the midst of all my late nights in the studio working on design projects, in the middle of that year, I recommitted my life to Christ. And God said, “Ok, now let’s go this way.”
That way lead me to switch my major to Magazine Journalism, which confused the heck out of me, because I was NOT a journalist. My mom was the gifted writer in the family. My high school best friend was the one who dreamt of being a journalist. Yet, here before I could say no, I said yes, and switched my life long dream to something I had never dreamed about.
Then instead of pursuing a normal job out of college, God spoke again. “Start your own magazine.” Um, excuse me, say what? But I did faithfully. It went on to win awards and one heartfelt letter after another from readers showed me the purpose in it all, but it only lasted a season.
Years later, God spoke again. “Start a wedding photography business.” Um, excuse me, say what? I didn’t even know how to use a camera in manual off auto. But when I opened the box for the camera I bought in faith, I switched it to manual from the first moment of turning it on, and went on to build a decade long career as a wedding photographer.
Fast forward to meeting the man of my dreams, getting married, and being hit with 5 years of infertility struggles. God spoke again. “Adopt.” And I quickly told him NO. I drew the line there, because that was not a thing I wanted to do. That was for other people, not me. As an only child, I wanted my own biological children, and I was willing to wait for a miracle. But then the miracle never came. And I cried more ugly tears than I ever imagined.
Though I’ve always considered myself to be a risk taker, it was a season where all I wanted was the comfort of an answered prayer, but I was forced to get uncomfortable as I learned to navigate life, and my faith, when prayers don’t get answered.
From it, this was the season I began writing my book, The Ugly Cry: Hope For When Your Faith is Barren. “But I don’t want to be the poster child for infertility,” I begged the Lord. “If I was ever going to write a book, this is NOT the topic I would have chosen.”
“Just draw close to me… and write about this season of your waiting,” He begged me in return. So, uncomfortably, I took the risk to be vulnerable. To pour my heart out. To say, my faith is shaken in this circumstance I don’t like, but here’s what I’m doing to keep my hope alive in the goodness of the Lord.
Then, years later, He spoke again. “I am waiting to bless you with the desires of your heart, but you are standing in the way of your own joy waiting on the other side. Will you finally adopt?” And like Mary, I finally said “Yes, I am a servant of the Lord.” And in the months that followed, the whirlwind began. Within 2 years, He created two precious lives who now call me Momma through the miracle of adoption. And they are my two greatest gifts.
But when God calls you to do something outside your comfort zone, it’s not an easy switch on of bravery. Like writing this book, it’s requiring a lot of deep breaths, a lot of muttering under my breath “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Because while I like to consider myself a risk taker, trying to get this book published takes all the depths of courage that I feel like I’ve lost along the way in the exhaustion of sleep-deprived motherhood.
Courage to share our story in hopes that it can help at least one person.
Courage to be vulnerable in hopes that it can show that one person, you aren’t alone in your waiting.
Courage to take the mask off and show the world my ugly cries I kept hidden, when normally my husband or my momma are the only ones who see that side of me.
Courage to put my faith journey out there for the world to judge (news flash, I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m NOT a perfect Christian).
Courage to risk rejection if I try to find a literary agent or publishing house and all the no’s I’ll get that may never lead to a YES! Or perhaps go the self-publishing route not knowing exactly what I’m doing.
Courage to possibly fail, again, at another thing, in front of everyone, like I feel like has become a broken record in my life in my journey to navigate what’s next for me career wise after photography.
Courage to fulfill this thing in my life that God has been calling me to do that I keep running away from. When it’s simply time to stop running.
But as I fasted and prayed in the months prior, I heard Him ask me simply: “Will you JUST finish your book? Then let me take care of the rest of the details of where this is going. And just focus on the next step in front of you.”
Ok, Lord, Ok… I continue to trust You and that You alone will continue to make me brave with each step along the way.
