TREMBLING.

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since I last wrote. I took time off from blogging to just… breathe. To focus on my kids while I figure out out what’s next for me career wise, if anything at all. I needed time away from the comfort blanket that my personal blog has always felt for me to just regroup. To explore different creative things along the way only to realize it wasn’t quite the best fit for my family. To get certain things out of my system and try to do things my way, to always be reminded my way is never God’s best. Yet, every time over the past year when I fasted and prayed opening up the question to Jesus: “What’s next for me?”, He always pointed back to the one thing that scares me the most. The very thing that I always replied back: “I just don’t know if I’m ready.”

Because the truth is… I’m terrified.

I am terrified to pursue it. 

Terrified of starting over. Again. 

Terrified of putting my vulnerable thoughts out there that it will require of me. 

Terrified of being judged for those thoughts. 

Terrified of critics, rejection and all those silly social media numbers that say I’m not worthy enough as the next person. 

Terrified of the possibility of failing at something. Again. 

Terrified of not knowing all the answers before I start. 

But more than all of that…. I’m terrified of letting another year go by with this dream unfulfilled in my heart… regretting. 

Regretting NOT trying. 

Of living with those questions that always pop up in my head: 

“What if I had really tried to go after that one dream I got too scared to chase?”

“What if I actually finished that thing I started all those years ago before freezing in fear that I wasn’t capable?”

“What if all those doubts that fill my head have stopped me from helping just one person who needs this? Or thousands?”

“While God has been faithful to fulfill the desires of my heart to become a mother, what if now is the time He is wanting to fulfill other desires of my heart that have become stagnant?”

And what seems like the most important question of all…

“What example is this setting for my kids if I don’t try? What does that teach them if I let my fears conquer my courage?”

And that puts a fire under my butt. 

To stop making excuses. 

To just do the hard things that scare me to make things happen.  To show my kids their momma CAN do the hard things life requires of us to conquer.

To follow that dream not knowing how or why or if it will ever even happen, but trust if I take this first step of faith toward this calling, God will lead the way. As He’s always always always done. 

Right now I have no answers on how to turn this dream stirring in my heart into reality. 

Especially in the exhausting throws of motherhood with such little time on my hands as it is.

But I know it’s time to stop running from it. It’s time to stop masking it with other attempts of other things I’ve been trying to pursue that only distract me from the very thing God has laid upon my heart to share with you.

I’m clueless on the logistics of the how, but I’ll figure out the answers along the way. 

So I’m shifting the direction of my blog to now document the journey ahead. Because I want you to join me as I navigate all the unknowns, and make this an ongoing conversation helping each other to conquer the hard things. 

The adventure I want you to join me on?

I’m writing a book. 

Because after all, this book is for you.

Gosh, my fingers are trembling just typing that sentence above because I’ve run away from it for so long. 

But no more excuses. 

Just as I felt looking at the mountain ahead of me when we started the adoption process, I’m looking up from the bottom of this new mountain trying to get a book published and doing as God has called each one of us to say: “Fear not.”

So don’t worry, because I am with you.
    Don’t be afraid, because I am your God.
I will make you strong and will help you;
    I will support you with my right hand that saves you.

-Isaiah 41:10

In the season of my waiting to become a mother, my book was written through many many tears as I prayed desperate prayers to the Lord digging in His word for comfort in the midst of my unwanted circumstance. Because of it, I have titled my book “The Ugly Cry: Hope For When Your Faith is Barren,” and my hope for is that it can be an encouragement for you in your own season of waiting for answered prayers, for whatever that miracle is you are waiting for. More details about my book in the coming blog entries that I look forward to opening up and sharing more with you.

So whether you are someone who would like to read my upcoming book or someone who has always wondered how to publish a book, I invite you to follow my journey by joining my mailing list here. By getting on my email list, you will also receive a FREE EXCERPT from my book, as well as be notified when I post new blog entries.

Here we go… Bring it 2020!

P.S. Leave a comment and let me know something YOU hope to accomplish in 2020, I would love to pray for you today!