WHAT DID SHE JUST CALL ME?

Once upon a time I was a blogger.

Then God fulfilled the desires of my heart after a very long journey of faith and I became a mother.  And any free time I once had for blogging went out the door because now any free time I actually get goes straight toward cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, growing my Young Living business, alternating two kids between two nap times, and oh yeah, showering…. which only happens on a good day.  And on a really really good day, I get to “sleep when the babies sleep.”  Can we all just admit that never happens when you have the aforementioned list daunting you everyday?

So blogging has taken a back seat the past year since adopting our second child in under two years (and this is the point where #momguilt sets in because I haven’t even had time to update my blog about his arrival last Fall… let alone work on a baby book for either child… thank goodness for Instagram letting me throw up quick updates and baby announcements!).  I hate that when I look at my blog here, it’s been almost a year since it’s been updated.  Because once upon a time, I really enjoyed blogging.

And what I miss most from those blogging days is simply connecting with YOU.  That beautiful person on the other side of the screen.  I remember days of logging into my stats seeing people reading my words from all around the world.  How in the world they found my blog, I’m still not quite sure, but there was such a beauty in connecting heartstrings to heartstrings with you through this world wide web.  To this day, I still have a folder on my email server where I have saved your emails about how something I wrote touched your heart. Those always meant the world to me, how God could use my words to speak life into your heart. These days though, the culture of online sharing has seemed to move to more what I call the “fast food” version of blogging through Instagram and Facebook (and I ain’t gonna lie, with two energetic kiddos swirling around me, it’s just easier to do a quick post from my phone than sit down at my laptop like I am doing now while they miraculously both nap at the same time).  Blogging almost feels as outdated as a rotary phone, or beepers.  Hahahahaha, raise your hand if you ever had a beeper!  This girl did her Freshmen year of high school, because, you know, I was very important (not!).

And in the whirls of motherhood, some days I just feel like I’ve lost myself, that person who used to blog and share probably more than I should have of what was going on in my world and the life lessons God was teaching me in that season.  Yet, while some people told me I should scale back on the authenticity I shared, I continued to share because you connected with it, and it helped you feel less alone in whatever you were battling too.  Though our struggles might have looked different, you saw a piece of yourself in my words and we instantly felt like we had known each other for years.  But as I pour into these two beautiful children each day now in this new season of my life, some days I have nothing left to pour out into creative projects, let alone updating this blog where our hearts once met.  And boy, as I’ve stepped away, I’ve realized more than ever, such a huge part of my heart was not being fulfilled, because I do miss writing.

So the other day, I challenged myself to do something crazy on a whim.  An opportunity presented itself for me to send in an essay to a popular mom blog I follow, and at first, I talked myself out of it.  “Psssh, I don’t have time to write anymore…”  For a few days I let all the reasons why I shouldn’t participate fill my head, and the enemy won as I let all the doubt creep in.  “I don’t even know if I’m still any good at writing, I mean does any one care to even read my stories anymore? Do my words really matter or make a difference anymore?”  You know, all the ways we humans in our frailty let fear override faith.  But then I decided to take a step of faith… and test the waters God was asking me to walk on… I got both babies napping at the same time, and used that hallelujah moment to sit down and…. write.  And weep as I was writing.  And wrote some more.  Then reread it, wept some more, asked myself if I had the courage to submit it to this blog where a bigger audience could read my vulnerable words, and before I could talk myself out of it, I nervously hit the SEND button.

“Oh my gosh, did I really just do that?” I questioned in fear.  “Well… I doubt anything will even come of it, I’m a bit rusty in the writing department these days, but at least I pushed myself to do something that scared me.”

A few days went by and I didn’t hear anything from the blog… So I continued doubting… I continued to prepare myself mentally for the let down that I figured was inevitable to come… why do we always let doubt get the best of us? Why in the waiting do we first resort to questioning God’s goodness instead of choosing to believe all things are possible? But a part of me still clung to faith that maybe… just maybe… all things were indeed still possible for this exhausted momma.

Then last night as I was walking to bed… my email dinged on my phone and I got “the” email from the blog editor I had been waiting on:

“This is beautiful, we want to publish it, now send us 2-3 sentences for your Author page.”

GASPPPPPPPPPP.

Did she just call me…. an AUTHOR? The very word I had been trying to muster up the courage to fulfill as you can read about here in my mission to one day turn a manuscript I’ve written into a published book.

I froze in disbelief.  Then I happy danced and squealed very quietly trying not to wake the kids up as I thought this exhausted momma’s still got it!

I think what made me most estatic was… this perfect stranger just confirmed… yes, I’m still a writer.  Yes, my world has changed in the past 2 years, and most days as a mom I feel more like a maid/cook/laundress/poop cleaner/baby calmer, but deep down inside of me, I was still… a writer.

More on that publishing to come…

But as far as this blog goes… I can’t promise I’m going to start blogging as often as I once did, but please know, I’m so grateful for our friendship that blogging has brought into my world over the past decade.  And I’m going to try to commit to putting my heart out there more in this space, because I miss connecting with your heart in return. Just recently I met a friend in person who I had met online through our blogs almost 10 years ago.  What started as an online photography friendship, then turned deeper into our struggles with infertility, and it was so beautiful to finally, in person, hug each other, and celebrate together that God was faithful, and we were both now mothers!

In closing, friend, I want to ask you… what step of faith are you letting doubt consume?  What huge scary God size dream are you stepping back from for fear of failure, or almost worst, fear of the possible disappointment in unanswered prayers? I challenge you today to not stress about conquering the whole mountain… but just take one step of faith toward the upward climb. Because I’m confident Jesus will be there waiting for you to gladly extend His hand and say “It’s about time, now let’s take another step together, and another.”