A special thank you to Jamie Koluch who put so much heart & soul into this beautiful artwork she hand made that will hang in our baby girl’s room! And a special thank you to each one of you who are also standing in faith with us praying for this upcoming adoption!
One of the things I used to grieve the most with our infertility struggles was… missing out on the excitement of pregnancy. That joy of seeing a positive stick. That joy of the first heartbeat, the first ultrasound, watching a little peanut grown into a watermelon, feeling the kicks and watching the bump grow. I so often felt in my previous struggles to conceive that that significant chapter of my life was robbed from me, and it felt unfair, often questioning God, why I wasn’t allowed to experience those same joys that seemed like a God given right for every woman.
But then this adoption happened… this open adoption where from day one, no we didn’t have the excitement of seeing our own positive stick, but we did have the excitement of being matched and chosen by our birth mom Kassie. That morning when we got the phone call from our adoption agency, we felt all the same exhilaration as if we had our very own positive stick. And all our loved ones has been just as excited for us as well! And from the very first doctor’s appointment, Kassie has allowed me to attend every visit and experience every ultrasound. When we are together, she often grabs my hand all of a sudden every time she feels our baby girl kick so I can feel the kicks as well. She lets me be the one to keep all the ultrasound photos, and even gave me her positive stick to have for keepsake. As we journey together through this pregnancy, I have realized, all of the above I thought I would miss out on, I didn’t end up missing out on at all. Instead, what God gave me, this unfair God I once thought He was, He saw the bigger picture, and gave me all the joys of pregnancy and so much more.
Because when this pregnancy is over in 2 months, what I’ll miss most about our doctor’s appointments are… not so much the doctor’s appointments themselves, but the hour long car rides to and from the doctor’s appointments with Kassie. Because it’s in those car rides where Kassie and I have shared tears together, both from each of our perspectives on this journey. It’s where we have prayed together, through the ups and downs and struggles and victories, both putting our complete trust in our loving Heavenly Father as we both take steps of faith in loving this baby girl each in unique ways. The car rides are where our hearts have been shared, catching up each week, building a friendship, and almost a sisterhood, through this baby girl and how she is merging our families together.
There are so many joys in this journey I am grateful for, like those car rides. But ya’ll, adoption is hard, and there are so many struggles as well. Behind the scenes of adoption, there are so many stresses and dynamics… on both sides… that sometimes feel like they get the best of us. Adoption is not for the faint of heart. Another adoptive mom warned me in the beginning that adoption is so dear to God’s heart that with it comes spiritual warfare. That the enemy hates adoption because adoption is the very foundation of what becoming a Christian is all about, as we as God’s children are adopted in His kingdom. And the closer this adoption gets, the more I see that spiritual warfare playing out. Some days everything stresses me out and I’m consumed with anxieties. Some days everything stresses Kassie out, and she tries to laugh that her added hormones don’t help. Some days outsiders, who don’t understand the beauty of this God written story, have opinions and use their words to harm instead of encourage. Some days Satan roams around like a roaring lion wanting to speak doubts into everyone’s minds and cause dissension and take our focus off of God’s great thing He is doing here through this baby girl. It’s a constant fight of faith. It’s a fight for more faith. It’s a constant daily surrender on my knees in prayer to Jesus that the enemy would stay away from this promised child on the way and away from the beautiful soul God is using to carry her into this world. Like any baby in the womb, her life is a complete miracle. God is wonderfully and fearfully knitting her together in Kassie’s womb for a great purpose that her life will be through Kassie’s nature and my nurture that will make up the strength of her body and soul in the years to come as she grows to know her identity as a chosen child of God. I know He has BIG plans to use her life for His glory. And because of it, each step of this journey must constantly be covered in faith and prayer.
Though Kassie and I face different circumstances that brought us to this place, though some days are harder than others, I am grateful that through it all, God has overflowed my cup. Because it wasn’t just a pregnancy He allowed me to experience, it was also a deep love for a perfect stranger who quickly became new family through 40 weeks of car rides. And after 5 years of tear filled prayers for my miracle, of all the people in the world, He chose the one in the passenger seat to be my hero to bring my miracle into this world. No, neither Kassie or I are perfect people, but I love that Jesus can use two broken people to carry out His beautiful story He is writing through both of us committing sacrificially in different ways to love this baby girl. Only through His grace, through His mercies being new every morning, are we each able to come together and courageously keep walking by faith. And driving by faith… one car ride together at a time.
I loved this photo I snapped of Kassie sleeping in the passenger seat after a doctor’s appointment and the way my cross on my rearview mirror coincidentally appeared as a shadow directly on Kassie’s belly. It was such a beautiful reminder that Jesus has His protective hand on our baby girl every step of the way!
