TO ASK OR NOT TO ASK?

The dreaded question.

It was a normal day, our lawn guy rang the doorbell to ask me something about the yard, then he asks me the dreaded question.

“So where are the kiddos?  You guys have been married for a while now, so when are the kids coming?”

On a hormonal day, this might have brought me to tears.  If. He. Only.  Knew… the hardship it has been trying to expand our family.  But this day, God did something to guard my heart and I smiled and simply said, “We’re working on it.”

Shutting the door, slightly annoyed, I knew deep down, I couldn’t blame him.  I know people have good intentions when asking, it’s how life naturally evolves.  First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage.  We’ve all been taught that song from a young age. But then sometimes, that part of the broken record keeps repeating at “then comes marriage.. skip… then comes marriage… skip… then comes marriage,” and 1 in 8 couples sit here frustrated because we just want to fix the broken record and continue on “and then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”  But sometimes, you just end up throwing the record player of life against the wall because it’s just not that easy for everyone.

In the media, I’ve been sooooo ecstatic seeing so many celebrities start opening up about their infertility struggles like Jamie King, Mark Zuckerberg, Gabrielle Union, Tyra Banks and Chrissy Teigen.  And while I may or may not be a fan of them personally, it’s been such a breath of fresh air that people with a spotlight are now putting a spotlight on the knock down drag out fight that infertility struggles are.  For a topic that is addressed so many times in the Bible, I’ve never understood why more churches don’t provide support groups or address this topic on Sundays, or why in general, it has been a topic that is so hush hush amongst friends and family members.

In this video below, Chrissy Teigen, says how rude it is to ask someone when they are going to have kids.  And to be honest, while I formed tears watching Tyra form tears in the second half the video, I have to say, as someone on the receiving end of this question all the time as well, I completely disagree with Chrissy’s response.

Let me explain why I disagree… yes, from a media point of view, I can imagine how frustrating it must be for her to be asked this question every time in every interview.  But there is a right and wrong way to ask.

I admit, when I was first starting out as a wedding photographer, I would ask my clients all the time “When do you plan to start a family?” innocently, because, that was just the normal thing I assumed would evolve after I photographed their wedding. I had no idea at the time how hard it was for some and how assuming that question was that every couple could or even wanted kids. But now going through infertility struggles myself, I’ve learned instead to ask to others:

“Do you hope to have children?”

Because the reality is, not everyone “wants” kids, I know some couples, it’s just not their desire and that’s cool.  And by asking “Do you hope to have children?” it doesn’t automatically assume that something is wrong with them if they don’t “want” to or expect anyone to know “when” it will happen.  And for those who are actively trying, by asking “Do you hope to have children?” it leaves it positive and hopeful, because, yes we who are trying all hope to, with every fiber in our being we hope our greatest prayers will be answered, and are still just trying to figure out God’s “when.”

And then there is the question, do you even ask at all?  Because like Chrissy said in the video above, when you ask the wrong person on the wrong day, you might get fireworks. But the reason I disagree with her response is because to those of us fighting this fight to expand our families, by your lack of NOT asking, especially for those that know we are trying, your not asking can appear more rude as if you don’t care about our struggle, or don’t acknowledge our struggle as real.  No, I’m not saying you should ask perfect strangers you just met because it crosses the nosey line, but if you have a loved one going through the grief of failed treatments, miscarriages, adoption failures, trying, trying, trying, by your not asking, we assume you don’t care.  “But I don’t want to pry?” you might think, and even had a close friend say to me recently. “I know it’s a touchy subject, so I didn’t want to upset you by asking,” she said.  But as I explained to her, it actually upsets me MORE when loved ones don’t ask, because we don’t want to unload about the stress of it all on you if you don’t care to hear about it, so we just assume we won’t tell you unless you actually ask. We actually crave for people to ask about updates, because sometimes, we just need someone to vent to about how hard this journey really is.  But if you don’t ask, we assume you don’t care and we don’t want to burden you with this thing that drives us to points of craziness some days.

I can’t tell you the joy I get when a friend or family member reaches out simply to say they were thinking and praying for me about this topic and then go on to ask if there are any updates.  It’s a beautiful feeling to know, wow, they cared enough to send a note in the middle of their busy day to let me know, I’m not alone in this fight.

Because if that’s one thing this struggle does, it makes you feel alone.  As you look around at all your friends getting blessed sometimes multiple times while you continue to wait for your turn, it’s the whole last to be picked on the playground team feeling all over again. And some days, most days, we just want someone to reach out their hand, and say, “You aren’t alone. I’ve got you/I feel for you/I’m praying for you/Let’s go take it out on ice cream.”  Whether it’s the unexpected grief associated with infertility or grief of losing a loved one, the greatest gift you can give someone dealing with a significant loss in their life is by simply letting them know you acknowledge their grief. By this acknowledgement, it shows you care.

So if you are curious about when someone’s family life is going to expand, my argument is, when in doubt, ask.  Just rephrase the way you ask.  And if you already know a loved one who is trying, ALWAYS ASK.  And if you aren’t sure if you should ask, maybe ask them if they even like to be asked, or prefer not to be.  Because I know this is all simply my perspective of this journey and some choose to be more private.

The bottomline is, as my mom always says, “Whatever the question, love is the answer.”  And as long as you ask in love, you might bring more healing to a loved one than you know.

What are your thoughts?  If you are or have been down this road, do you like for others to ask you family expanding questions?  Leave a comment below and share your own perspective on this topic!