“Lord, listen to my words. Understand my sadness. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, because I pray to you. Lord, every morning you hear my voice. Every morning, I tell you what I need, and I wait for your answer.” -Psalm 5:1-3
Right now in Florida it has still been pushing a sweltering 90 degrees and I long for the days I feel a slight crisp in the air to catch up to that scarf/boot wearing season I see all the fashion bloggers rocking on my Instagram feed.
And in life, I feel the same general tug of being in one season ready to be in another season, but instead I have no choice but to just keep sweating it out.
In this season, yes I’m having a blast photographing senior girls, enjoying setting my own schedule, having freedom to go and come as I please, I’m really truly trying to take advantage of the whole sleeping in thing almost everyday, because, well, I can. But at the same time, my heart longs for being woke up at all hours of the night to the cries of a baby I can nurture. To be that friend that is like “Oh I can’t hang out because my child comes first,” to stress about potty training and other things I see moms complain about on my newsfeeds and completely roll my eyes at when I honestly just want to scream “Do you know how blessed you are to HAVE that child you complain about?”
I really don’t want this blog to become all about my infertility struggles, but sometimes it’s such at the forefront of my mind, and I just need to vent about the realities of it being more than a “just relax/adopt/take a vacation and it will happen” thing. And I share posts like today because I know I’m not the only one struggling here, and well, this is the trial He has placed me in in this season to dig deeper in my faith through it all. But as time goes on, it’s such a weird feeling to be stuck in one season while you see everyone else progress in life and meanwhile, I continue to wait and distract myself with other things until it’s God’s perfect timing. Because really, all they really are are distractions for the one thing my heart really desires. ::sigh::
It kind of reminds me of the prom. Junior year all my closest girlfriends got asked to the prom, except me (I know, woe is me, bring out the violin strings.). But while I could go shopping alongside my friends for the perfect dress and daydream about it, all I could really do is live vicariously through them that year, because, well, it just wasn’t my turn yet. That year, I continued to wait and hope that maybe next year I would get asked, and I indeed did get asked the following year, and because of it, I enjoyed the prom that much more Senior year. And I know, I just know, motherhood will be like that. I know with all my heart it will be worth the wait, and because of the wait I will have a greater appreciation for every single moment of motherhood. But in the meantime, I have my moments where I’m sure getting impatient.
So for all the moms out there who use your newsfeed to complain about how crazy your kids make you, just know there are those out there who would give anything to be a mom period, and we kind of don’t have sympathy for those complaints about your greatest blessing.
But then again after a few sleepless nights when my time comes, I’m sure one day I’ll be eating my own words. Because in the way I hear that you forget about the pains of childbirth, I’m really hoping that when the Lord blesses us with a child eventually whether through natural or adopted, that I too will forget about the pains of this waiting season.
I always like my blog posts to be inspiring and I feel that’s been half the reason why the lack of blog posts lately (and being insanely busy with senior shoots this summer), is because I’ve been in a state of not feeling very inspirational as I continue to struggle daily on this journey and question a lot of things. As I continue to walk this journey of empty arms, my emotional state changes from one minute to another as I endure the highs and lows, and sometimes really low lows, trying to keep the faith, keep focused on the bigger picture, and do everything I can to make it through another day with empty arms (minus one adorable #poodlechild). It’s a constant battle of trying not to blame God, to not be jealous of every girlfriend who receives their blessing, and still enjoy everything I AM blessed with when some days all my heart can focus on is what is lacking. Some days that Christina Perri song comes across my Pandora that says:
“I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it
But I’m only human”
Most days that feels like my conversation with God when my heart is heavy. Most days this journey feels so unfair. Most days I’m learning to build my strength as I push through continued disappointment to still try to find the good in life.
Because I know, with everything in my heart, God IS still good and has good plans for us. Even when He’s silent. Even when our hearts desires are postponed. Even when His answer is no because He knows there is something better in store.
But for today, I’m only human.
Really good post Scarlett. Nobody is perfect and I think the most valuable posts you write are the ones where you remind us all that you, and us, are only human. XO
Ha, yes. Aren’t we all?
LOVED this post dear friend! Though our stories are so different, I know what it is like to feel so “stuck” in a life season, wondering if something will ever happen. Don’t loose hope! I love your amazing heart and your willingness to be transparent on your blog. You always touch my own heart with your posts, and for that I am so grateful. You are not alone dear friend! Love you to pieces!
Thank you always for your compassion Kellene. I know it’s only wisdom from the fire with all you have been through as well. Miss you and love you too!
No words just a BIG GIANT LONG HUG!!!!!!!
Your hugs are much appreciated Tracy Dee!
Your “journey of empty arms” will not last forever – though it seems like that now. Meanwhile you are tapping into so many hearts that have also felt forgotten and thought they were the only ones. Your words and your courage, to let other weeping hearts know you are vulnerable, light the way for those who wait in the shadows.
Let God’s word be the fire of hope that keeps burning in your spirit and the in the unique sisterhood whose arms are empty – for a season:
“He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!” – Psalm 113:9
“Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage.” – Psalm 27:14
May God bless you and all those who wait for their empty arms to be filled……
Thank you Momma for being a constant prayer warrior in my life!
I am sure that you have researched all of the options open to you and have weighed all the pros/cons of each…. but have you looked into surrogacy? My SIL is being a surrogate for a couple in Spain and could probably answer a bunch of questions you may have.
We’ve definitely explored all options and for me it’s more about wanting to experience my own pregnancy, otherwise we’d rather adopt. But how cool that your SIL is doing that for someone.
What a great blog post!!! Thanks for your transparency. I know what it’s like to feel stuck in one season longing for the next. All seasons eventually come to an end and so will this one.
Thank you darling!! 🙂
You know and trust that God has already written out the ending of your story – that alone says volumes about the place you’re in. How you share honestly with us through the journey, highs and lows, is something I’m always inspired and touched by. I’m always praying for you and know that you have so many people doing the same. Thank you for being vulnerable and honest by writing about the hard things.
xo
Thank you for your continued prayers Iradis and for embracing my honesty through the highs and lows. 🙂