Joy

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers & sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.”
JAMES 1:2

Sometimes I feel like as a Christian, our greatest challenge is doing what the verse above says. Choosing joy in the midst of the trials life throws our way. I certainly haven’t mastered this in my own faith yet, but God has been leading through a season in the wilderness to refine me and test me as He continues to shape my heart and help me walk by faith to His promised land that I know is waiting in a future chapter ahead.  I’m trying every day to put my trust in God’s plans over my own, because I know He promises us that He has good plans and a good future for us (Jeremiah 29:11), and because of it, I cling to that with all of my heart as I strive to choose joy in the trials. The past 4 years, there has been something going on behind the scenes for Stephen and I that has tried to rob us of our joy, and today I’m ready to open up to you about it.

If you’ve been with me for a while from the beginning of my blogging days, you know I’ve been through my share of highs and lows.  My years spent traveling the world as a wedding photographer, getting published in dozens of wedding magazines, meeting the love of my life, getting married, were all definitely big highs.  And then the lows… Years ago I used to have more courage to write about the lows, and you were so gracious to pray alongside me as I shared about the hard things of life such as heartbreak, my own breast cancer scare, and ultimately losing my dad to lung cancer in 2009.  I’ll forever be indebted to your kindness you showed my faither as you showered him with hundreds of comments on my previous blog and the beautiful cards sent from my internet friends around the world in his last days before going home to Heaven.

You never think in your 20s you are going to be “that” kid who loses a parent so early to cancer.

And with what I’m about to open up about for the first time in depth on the internet, I’ve been struck again with the whole “you never think you’re going to be that person….” scenario.

Or in our situation, “that” couple.

Losing my dad was definitely one of the hardest things I’ve gone through and a season of grief I never wish upon my greatest enemy.  No child should ever ever lose a parent so early in life, and as someone warned me back then, missing them doesn’t ever really get better with time.  I miss him dearly every single day and 6 years later, still have dreams of him as if he was still here and I always run up and give him a huge hug as if I just haven’t seen him in a while.

But the past 4 years, I’ve been dealing with a deeper kind of grief.  This time, it’s over someone I may never get to meet.  It’s a grief that is repeated every month, and a quiet grief not a lot of people understand.  In this society, it’s usually a hush hush topic whispered amongst those who run into each other at frequent doctor’s appointments, or in private forums, because I’ve found people just don’t talk about it much in everyday life… or at least, because it happens so easy for some, most don’t understand the depth of the heartbreaking pain that occurs when it doesn’t happen that easy for others.  And it’s a grief that is repeated every… single… month.

This is the part where I want to hit the delete key and not share the rest of this blog entry with the world because this is a topic that has caused Stephen and I a lot of tears over the years, and I have failed miserably along the way at always having joy in this trial as God’s word commands us above. Butttttt I’m moving forward with sharing this because I know on the other side of this computer screen is someone else who is going through this same struggle, and needs to know they aren’t alone in their pain. So if you are that someone, you give me the courage to now speak up.

So this thing that I’ve held back from talking about for a few years… here goes…

Ever since I was a little girl playing house and caring for my baby dolls, I have wanted one thing so much, and that was to become a mother.  When Stephen and I were dating and daydreaming about the future, “our” plan was to be married for a year then start growing our family… but you know the saying, when you make plans, God laughs.  Stephen and I just celebrated being married 4 years, and unfortunately, this greatest desire of my heart has now become the greatest heartbreak of my life, as Stephen and I are “that” couple who have been told we will never be able to have our own children without the help of very expensive fertility treatments, which aren’t even a guarantee… and to date, we currently have endured one failed treatment cycle at the end of last year. (Hence, what this Instagram post was about back then.)

Yet… Despite the negative news doctors have told us, despite the science and biology that is not in our favor, and despite the ongoing heartbreak, we are still choosing to believe God will keep His promise He gave us many years ago about having a family that has also been prophesied by others in our church family, and that we WILL one day have a child in whatever way they arrive.  And though most days this wait gets the best of me, I’m not letting go of His promises. If there’s any lesson you can learn from the Word of God, it’s that we know He is a God of turning the impossible into possible and our hope is put completely in Jesus as our Savior as we wait for His story of our growing family to unravel.  And while this has been the hardest faith trial of our lives and marriage, as the verse above says, we are trying with everything inside of us to continue choosing joy despite ongoing disappointment, as we continue to walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).

Ok… deep breath… there, after so many years holding back, I finally said it… moving forward.

Over the years I’ve said I will wait and open up about this once I know how my happily ever after turns out.  After I have children in my arms.  But in that way God nudges you to do the things you don’t want to do to help you walk through fear AND help others, He has been nudging me to not wait until the final chapter is revealed, but open up now in the middle chapters.  In this season, now, where I don’t know how it’s all going to end up but am holding on to hope for dear life despite the hardship.  Because in this season where the real struggle lies, it’s where strength is built.  It’s where faith is grown… it’s where we learn to rely not on what God gives us, but to lean on God, and God alone.  And this in-between of hopelessness in x, y, z circumstance is where most people reside and need to know they aren’t alone in trying to knock their own curve ball out of the park that life threw their way.  We each have something we are going through that stays off the highlight reel of our newsfeeds, a trial that tries to rob us of hope and joy, a cross we are carrying, and well… infertility struggles have become mine in this season.

I’ve also held off writing about it before now because the first 4 years, I’ve been in a wilderness season of going through all the deep stages of grief:  Disbelief.  Anger.  Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.  And I needed time to process all of it and work things out with God as I took most of it out on Him.  I’ve always used my social media to inspire others for His glory sharing whatever inspiration I could, and when days hit where I just couldn’t turn off the tears or get out of bed so broken from this fight, I knew it was best to stay quiet until He had moved me into a place of healing and peace that I now feel I have moved into.  This is the last thing I ever wanted to be a poster child for, but, this is a trial He’s taken me through to teach me things I might not have been able to learn otherwise. And if I can somehow use my pain I’ve endured to help encourage others out there on how to find hope through life’s disappointments, then maybe that’s a glimpse of His purpose in it all.

A few things I want to address upfront.

  1. I know it could be so much worse.  I know there are others struggling with much greater health issues, and I in no way want to minimize their pain, or elevate mine.  My goal is to simply open up about this genre of a medical condition that does bring a lot of pain and hopelessness to 1 in 8 couples who are actively trying to have children and quietly suffer with infertility. In the similar ways people grieve over a loved one’s life ending, many couples grieve over this struggle to begin a life of a future loved one, knowing ultimately we have no control because God is the giver and taker of life.
  2. Yes, we still have options available to us, including more fertility treatments or adoption, which we are currently on pause with both. Adoption specifically may or may not be the conclusion to our story that God is writing through our journey, and a few years ago we briefly pursued it, but as someone who desires to have her own biological kids, I’m not quite there yet when it comes to the topic of pursuing adoption again. I continue to be told and witness beautiful stories of adoption, and I am always praying for God to open that desire in my heart greater should that be His will for our family.  In the meantime though, while I and others struggling to have kids cherish your encouragement, please keep in mind to not assume for myself or others that “just adopt” is the band-aid to fix the solution. And unfortunately, with our past experience, it’s not as easy to adopt as you might think.
  3. Overall, I’ve experienced a lot of healing in this recent season, but I’m always still struggling with picking up the broken pieces as the cycle repeats each month.  One day I’m good and peace with it all, one day, I see something baby related and I’m a crying mess all over again. One day I can be happy for a friend, one day I’m battling envy over another pregnancy announcement and swearing to never go on Facebook again.  I’m definitely not all healed and perfect over this topic, but I’m also trying to be open to being moldable with whatever way God wants to use the broken pieces to purify my heart and create beauty from the ashes.  So thank you for your grace and understanding that I’m a work in progress as I continue to share about my experience with this ongoing journey here in future blog entries.

My main goal in opening up about this topic on the blog is to create awareness that infertility is more than a “just relax and it will happen when you least expect it” subject.  It is a serious medical condition for so many couples, and a financially draining one as well, and when you add hormones to the mix, whew, sometimes you get nothing but an explosion!  My greater mission with opening up about all of this is to hopefully leave others encouraged who are privately going through this same struggle and feel as if no one “gets” their pain.

If you are a sister going through something similar, I’m here to tell you, I “get” it, trust me, the past 4 years, I’ve been through every possible emotion.  Anger.  Hope.  Jealousy of others.  Joy for others.  No faith.  Big faith.  Believing believing believing.  A tidal wave of doubt.  And more doctors appointments than I ever imagined it would take.

I have so much more to say in future blog entries.  And I’ve even started writing a book in progress of my journey to find hope and faith and through this journey that has tested everything I believe in, yet has deepened my faith more than anything else ever could.  Who knows if I’ll ever actually publish it… but in the meantime, I want to use my blog to start a conversation and bring light to this dark struggle a lot of people feel ashamed or embarassed to talk about.

With that said, while I welcome your kind comments on these blog entries, if you are also going through this, I don’t expect you to publicly comment because I know this is a delicate and private topic for many.  So if you don’t want to comment publicly, I do welcome your private emails.  You can always share your heart with me through my contact form!  I read every email and promise to write back. I look forward to hearing the details of your story and I would love to know how I can pray for you!

One thing I want to leave you with in this blog entry is a proactive tip for compassion.  If you know a friend or family member dealing with infertility struggles, please don’t take it personally if we have to decline baby showers or untag ourselves from baby related Facebook posts. Somedays it all we can do to muster a congratulations to yet another loved one it happened so easily for. However, please continue to ask us how we are doing on this journey. We often don’t open up about this topic to many others because we feel like we don’t want to burden others with continued disappointment, but when you ask us how we are doing, it really means a lot more than you know to know that you acknowledge our ongoing heartbreak in this area.  And if your loved one decides to open about the reality of how hard all of this is really is, the best thing you can do is agree with them is that this trial is excruciatingly hard, and offer a hug or shoulder to cry on, or simply an ear to listen. Also, respectfully refrain from giving your opinion of what we “need” to do when really we have absolutely no control over what we can do other than keep trying.  The greatest thing you can do for a friend or family member is offer your prayers and let them know you are standing in the gap of where their faith is lacking in that moment.  Every month is a constant roller coaster of “will the desires of my heart to become a mom be fulfilled THIS month?!?!” only to come crashing down most months, and the greatest gift you can give us is your compassion as we restart the cycle again of learning to let go of our heart’s desires… again… and trust God has a greater purpose in this delay to become a mother.

Also, if you do know someone going through this, will you pass along my blog to them? We cherish finding resources to help us get through the hard days, and when you send us stuff like that, it helps us know that you care and that you acknowledge that this struggle is real in our lives.

There are many different kinds of infertility your friend or family member might be going through…

There are those who are told it will never happen naturally.

There are those who have achieved a pregnancy yet continue to miscarry.

There are those who have carried a baby to only have it be still born. Or lost a child early on in their life.

There are those who have one child and struggle to ever conceive again when they long to have a big family.

No matter the circumstance, the pain and longing is still very real for those traveling this journey.

Lastly… to those who have been my own personal prayer warriors behind the scenes, and those who have shown great compassion over this tender topic, you know who you are, and I am eternally grateful for your friendship through this all. Thank you for continuing to love me in dark seasons where I struggled to still believe God was good in all of this. Your grace and friendship has meant the world to me as you kept me covered in prayer always shining God’s light and promises into my life when my heart was broken.

And to everyone reading this, thank you for reading my words and allowing me to open my heart to you once again.  This is just the beginning of what I feel is going to be a beautiful journey with you as we wait expectantly together for God to move in a powerful way, and thank you for standing in faith with me that this will end in a beautiful victory one way or the other. And I want you to know, virtual friend or real friend, I cherish your friendship and prayers along the way.

Before you go, I invite you to view this 15-minute video below.  I promise you, it will be worth the 15 minutes.  It is one of the most beautiful videos I’ve ever seen, and one of the only films I’ve seen that so accurately documents the real struggle infertility is for 1 in 8 couples, and more so, the struggle in faith to continue having joy in the trial.  After all their years of hopelessness, in a single moment they realized that God was writing a beautiful story for them that was over 20 years in the making. And that’s my greatest hope in all of this, that God’s not done writing our story either.  Grab the tissues….

Sig

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