Last night a church women’s gathering, I sat around a table with other wives and the question “Who here has kids?” came up naturally. One by one each answered, each mothers, one next to me just found out she was pregnant with her second, one across the table blurting out her husband wanted more but she dreaded going through pregnancy again because her first labor had complications. Then there was me.
A year ago, I would have bolted at the first sign of that question. I would have quietly got up from the table and ran to the bathroom to cry because of the “last to get picked on the kickball team” syndrome that I often felt like infertility issues were over our 5 year struggle. I would have under my breath cursed the girl who said she didn’t want to get pregnant again when I really felt like screaming “AT LEAST YOU CAN HAVE KIDS!” I would have sat next to the girl who was currently pregnant with such envy and jealousy in my heart that she was currently carrying a second child asking God in my mind “Why a second for her? And not just one for me? I’ll take just one!”. Y’all, a year ago today, that round table would have stirred up so much crazy woman emotion inside of me, that would have left me crying in Stephen’s arms later that night when I could take off the superficial mask of “No, we don’t have children yet” smile that I got so good at answering in public, when privately inside it felt like someone putting a knife through my heart at the mention of the innocent question.
But instead… this year… through our adoption process… God has brought so much healing to my heart. When it got around to my turn at the table last night, I could joyfully say “We are expecting a baby girl in May through adoption.” And every one oohed and awed and were so excited for me. It was so nice to be in that place of the oohing and awwing. I had waited soooo long with those oohs and awwwws. It’s so the little things of feeling validated as a woman after so many tears through the years. After so many fake smiles when people had no idea how much I was dying inside at what felt like the impossible journey to motherhood with no destination near by. When it was all my heart desired, to be a mom, and God kept saying “Not yet.”
At that point of the conversation, the others around me started telling the other ladies at the table about my blog and how they should go read it, and how our story is beautiful. (I paid them to say that, really. Ha!) But I tell you what, in that moment, I felt like such a bad blogger knowing I hadn’t updated things in a while, and my blog entries are getting months and months apart. I often think, Y’all, what can I say other than… life gets busy. Seasons change. I had more time back in the day as a single gal. And now I’m a busy wife and soon to be mom, always juggling running a business from home while keeping up with everything that needs taking care of at home. Y’all, the struggle is real for the self-employed when trying to work at your desk like a normal person and hearing your washer tell you to put the next load in the dryer. So I apologize, my blog has slipped through the cracks. I always want my writing to inspire others, but I don’t always have time to write. For those who still visit and read, please forgive me.
On the opposite extreme, there’s also that part of me that wants to go back into my hermit crab shell. Some days I just want to remove everything off the internet, cancel all my social media accounts, and just live life in the everyday. With people in front of me. Not with people through my eyes glued to a phone. Some days it’s just hard to keep up with text messages, Facebook, Instagram, etc. I drew the line with SnapChat and refuse to get caught up in that. I’m in a season of I want to hear people’s voices more than read a status update. I want to receive personal emails or do more lunches, not just find out what’s going in their life by hopping on Facebook. I’m just over the whole social media thing and find overall it’s really making everyone LESS social.
But I know… pot calling the kettle black. Because here you are, reading my blog, and here I am writing this blog entry to you, instead of calling you up and saying “Hey let’s do lunch.”
I share all this because I just want you to know, if I’m blogging less regularly, it’s because all of this is swirling in my head. And if I’m blogging less regularly, it’s because I’m enjoying this season of prepping for motherhood, and all the doctors appointments that go along with our adoption process, and plainly, there are just other things going on behind the scenes that are keeping me busy. So for this season, blogging is on the back burner.
One thing I do want to close with is, at the end of our women’s night, the woman who blurted out she didn’t want to get pregnant again, she quietly pulled me aside afterward and said she was sorry to say that and hoped it didn’t hurt my feelings. I told her, a year ago, it would have, but tonight, it was nice to be in a place where it didn’t with how excited we are with our baby girl on the way through adoption. While her apology wasn’t needed, I was super touched by her compassion to even think twice about what she said, enough to say something privately to me. And in thinking about that moment, it reminded me, that’s exactly why I opened up on my blog about our infertility struggles last year. To help create awareness that there are those grieving silently about infertility, and by sharing my story, to encourage others to please be compassionate about your friend or loved one’s struggle. One in eight women dealing with the hardship would trade anything to be able to be able to conceive or carry through a pregnancy after multiple miscarriages. So to those who have been able to have children, think of your sister, friend or colleague before you complain about a pregnancy or your child driving you crazy. I know motherhood doesn’t come without it’s hard times and sacrifices. But please remember, you are blessed to be a mother, no matter how exhausting it is. No matter how hard your pregnancy was. No matter how unruly your children annoy you. You. Are. So. Blessed.
I’ll be back when I can… Until next time…